Everybody preaches that the first years of marriage are the best of your lives. But, what if it's not? It sure as hell wasn't all sunshine and rainbows for us.
It was a beautiful summer day in Southern California, and our wedding was beautiful. My new husband and I floated on the cloud of the joyous event for about two weeks. Then, life took over…
I was in a deep depression after losing my job a few months before the wedding, and he started doing and saying things he's never done before… hurtful things. For months, I had no idea what was happening, but then during one fight, I said it: “divorce.”
We were married three months and already talking about divorce, seriously?!
There were times when I just wanted to give up and walk away, broken. I felt like I was failing this imaginary test.
I couldn't help but feel relieved that I wasn't the only one; it wasn't just me being horrible at married life.
We got married on our fifth anniversary, and had plenty of family drama surrounding the wedding. We've had our share of our ups and downs over the years, and always made it through. But somehow this was different, and we couldn't get past it. Divorce was mentioned three times in that first year, and each time, it held a little more weight than the last.
After finally opening up to a friend who also recently got married, I found out they had similar problems as soon as they got married. He pulled away, she got more and more upset, and the wedge between them grew wider. I couldn't help but feel relieved that I wasn't the only one; it wasn't just me being horrible at married life.
I read hundreds of blogs, articles, basically anything having to do with marriage or married life, yet I was still feeling lost. I felt like we were both unsure of what to do, so instead, we turned against each other.
What happened, what changed?
It seems as though there's a weird phenomenon that happens to some of us after marriage. We act out, and hurt the one we love most because we don't know what else to do. It happened to me, my friend, and I know it's happening to many other people out there. That's why I wanted to write this. I wanted to let you know, if you are going through a rough patch after your wedding, you're not alone.
You aren't just “bad at marriage,” it's an adjustment period, for both of you
Take the time to dig deeper and try to figure out the WHY behind your problems.
DO NOT hash it out while you're angry, crying, or pissed beyond reason. Trust me, that just makes it worse and nothing ever gets solved.
Sometimes, you just have to let arguments go and hope for the best. Through tears (lots and lots of tears), heartache, and some real soul searching, we made it through, barely.
Just hold on
The pressure of this “idyllic marriage,” that's what happened. Trying to live up to the picture perfect, “this is how you do it” marriage nearly killed us.
There were many nights when we couldn't even look at each other and I'd sleep on the couch. But after time went by, we were able to calmly try to figure things out, and really get into what was going on.
The pressure of this “idyllic marriage,” that's what happened. Trying to live up to the picture perfect, “this is how you do it” marriage nearly killed us. We are far from perfect, but we're getting better and figuring out how we want to do this marriage thing as we go.
Do whatever you both need to do to get through it. Look at your partner and remember why you chose to marry them, why you're with them. Marriage is not a one way highway, and there is definitely no right or wrong way to do it. So, do what is right for you, nothing else matters.
I can tell you this though, marriage has one hell of a curve ball.