Remember Michele and Rob's starry night wedding? Here are their promised unabridged funny wedding vows – soonlyweds who want to proclaim their love for one another with a good roasting, take heed!
Michele's funny wedding vows:
Who would've thought that swiping right for a date with a ‘professional athlete' would have brought us here tonight? Even Google Maps couldn't calculate the distance our love had to conquer. But hey, if we can navigate those measly 13 miles by water apart, we can handle anything, right?
From the moment we swiped right, our connection defied distance and boundaries. Though the Long Island Sound stretched between us, it only served to highlight the vastness of our love. Today, I vow to navigate any challenges with you, just as we bridged that watery expanse. Together, we'll journey through life's tides, hand in hand, creating our own map of love and devotion.
Your unwavering support has been my anchor, grounding me in the storms of life. Your laughter is a melody that brightens even the darkest days, and your willingness to flourish alongside me fills my heart with joy and anticipation. With you, I've found not only a partner but a true companion. I promise to always be your biggest supporter, your source of laughter, and your companion in the journey of life. Let's continue to learn, laugh, and grow deeper in love together, as we embrace each new chapter as a unit.
I promise I will always cheer for the Rangers and seek vengeance on anyone who roots against them, as I know you’ll do the same for my Seahawks.
I choose you and promise to choose you as my husband every day. I give you my hand. I give you my love. To be your partner in all of life's adventures is all I could hope for in the world. I give you myself, the good, the bad, and the yet to come. I vow to support you, inspire you, protect you, and love you truly, always. You are the strength I didn't know I needed and the joy that I didn't know I lacked. Together, I know we can do anything. I can't wait to work hand in hand to build a beautiful life together. Starting with the kitchen. Let’s gut it. I’ll bring the sledgehammer.
I promise to love you for who you are, and for who you are yet to become. I promise to try to be patient and to remember that all things between us are rooted in love. I promise to nurture your dreams and help you reach them. I promise to share my whole heart with you and to remember to show you how deeply I care for you, no matter the challenges that may come our way. I promise to love you fiercely, always. Together, we can weather any storm, no matter the season of our lives.
When I say, ‘I love you more,’ I don’t mean that I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the toughest times we will go through, more than any argument we will ever have. I will love you more than any distance between us and any obstacle that we will ever face. I love you more.
Let’s be dumb together – just plain stupid. Make bad choices, eat the wrong things, then complain about tummy aches, take wrong turns, and get lost, then let’s tell great stories, the same ones – forever and ever until no one can stand us but each other.
I want your worst – give me your bad hair days, your lost keys, stained shirts, broken gadgets, give me you every day, and I will give you my love to make it alright.
I promise to love you even as you scroll endlessly through all those movies without actually picking one to watch. I promise to never watch the next episode without you, no matter how much I want to.
I promise to always forgive. I make no promises regarding forgetting.
I promise to love and cherish you as much as I do our dog. And you know how obsessed I am with Luke.
Let's dance through life's mishaps and triumphs, hand in hand, with laughter as our constant soundtrack. Let's embrace the chaos and continue growing together. You're the missing piece to my weirdness, and I can't wait to see what hilarious escapades we'll embark on next. Let's do this crazy thing called life together, and remember – love conquers all, even the Long Island Sound.
Oh, and when I say, “I do,” I don't mean the dishes.
Rob's funny wedding vows:
Michele… so here we are. This is not a wedding. This is an intervention to address your lantern addiction. I mean seriously… what is with all these lanterns? I’ve had nowhere to sleep, I’ve been crashing with Luke on his bed because there’s no space left… that is until your last purchase kicked Luke out of his bed too. I reached my breaking point when you started naming all of the lanterns and referring to them as our children. I didn’t sign up for 87 kids… quite frankly, I don’t have the strength… or the college funds. And that thing where you rock and cradle the lanterns to sleep? Kinda creepy.
You should know our neighbors started calling you “The Mistress of Illumination”. They even spread a rumor that you are either collecting fireflies for a satanic sacrifice or you are trying to create your own Instagram filters. OK, I can't lie to you… I am actually the one that started the nickname and rumors. Side note: Perhaps now I’ve made it more awkward than usual with the neighbors and myself. But if little 8yr old James next door calls you Mistress… we may have to move.
Anyhooo… I’m starting to realize this isn’t a roast, so I’ll get on with the serious part.
Michele… since we first met on my doorstep, 13 miles and a body of water couldn't keep us apart. We've been laughing together non-stop ever since. You're not only going to be my wife but I am marrying my best friend.
Life with you is full of surprises. Whether it's coming home finding a bathroom painted with glitter or busting open the shed lock with a sledgehammer on a random Saturday afternoon, or even finding you dangling from the roof with a 20-foot ladder when I get home from work. For some reason you look for any excuse to climb up on the roof, what’s up with that? You make every day an adventure.
You're an amazing dog mom to Luke, and your love for him fills my heart with joy. Making you laugh is the best feeling in the world, and I'll do anything to keep that smile on your face. The sacrifices you made for this family by going back to school and commuting back to forth, I will forever be in your debt. Thank you for your hard work and devotion.
You embrace my quirks, and that means the world to me. Let’s face it, no one else would put up with this. We have been through many challenging situations and we have always had each other’s back each step of the way.
Today, I promise to stand by your side through everything, to cherish and respect you each day, and to bring even more laughter into our lives. You're not just my partner; you're my everything, and I'm excited for our future together. With you, I understand the meaning of unconditional love with no judgment.
However there are things I am not excited for. Your relentless pursuit of trying to give me raspberries, the fact you have never given me a firm handshake… not once folks. Your backyard burping shows is always embarrassing, as the neighborhood assumes it’s me. So basically you are going to annoy me forever.
The Amazon delivery guy also finds you annoying, I can tell he’s bothered by you as he always makes a face… realizing he’s delivering more useless crap such as remote control flying balls, cheap products from China that don’t work and/or more lanterns. Oh! And what about the time you ordered a clear kayak which never arrived! Or perhaps it was so well made it was actually invisible?
And let's not forget your addiction to Instagram! To get your attention, sometimes I think about posting Instagram stories just to have a conversation with you while we are in the same room. It could be worse, you could be addicted to the Kardashians or the Jersey shore. Oh wait a minute… this isn’t looking good for you.
I realize this may be long, I hope you aren’t going through Instagram withdrawals. But this is the longest I’ve ever had your full attention without you being distracted by Instagram dog videos or gourmet cookie posts.
In closing… Michele, you've brought an extraordinary love into my life, and I'm so lucky to call you my wife. I didn’t intend for that rhyme, I really didn’t, but that did work out nicely – thank you Chat GPT. Congratulations Michele! You did it! That’s all I got.