Challenging “normal” wedding planning when I lost my mother while engaged

I considered myself to be an “ordinary bride,” that is until my mother died, and then I discovered that the definition of normalcy is what you deem appropriate, especially when it comes to wedding planning.

For the first few months after she died, it was only natural that my upcoming nuptials were the furthest thing from my mind. Then, as the year of my wedding date began to approach, suddenly friends and family became concerned that I wasn't living up to being a “traditional bride.” It begs the question: what's traditional?

My natural anxiety over my wedding stems, not from fear of settling down or with whom I'm jetting out to experience life. My anxiety stems from sadness over the empty seat at the right side of the aisle, the photos where a familiar and comforting face should be smiling, hands that should be zipping up the back of my dress, telling me how beautiful I look before I even get a chance to look at my reflection.

Until I became a motherless daughter, it was a concept I couldn't understand. And if you're reading this now, relating to my burden-riddled words at a rate of 100%, I'm sorry that you can. It's a burden unlike any other, but I hope you can find solace in these words — and your wedding day.

The one thing I keep reminding myself of is the fact that I don't want to be sad on the morning of my wedding. As much as I know my mother is looking down on me as I walk down that aisle, I don't want to be blindsided by my rightful emotions.

I plan on eloping before my actual wedding date. It'll be a small ceremony, with just the two of us standing in the park where my parents had their wedding photos taken. To me, walking down the aisle as a secretly married woman takes the sting out of the traditional formalities that would ordinarily take place. It makes walking down the aisle, the first dance, and essentially every other aspect of the wedding easier to digest. The one thing I keep reminding myself of is the fact that I don't want to be sad on the morning of my wedding. As much as I know my mother is looking down on me as I walk down that aisle, I don't want to be blindsided by my rightful emotions. With the wedding countdown lingering in double digits, I'm finding comfort with my decision to elope before the wedding.

Here's the thing, weddings are going to be internalized differently by those who are in them. While there's nothing wrong with living up to that “traditional” bridal experience, at the end of the day you need to ask yourself, “What's traditional?” Am I less of a bride because I don't want to wear a bridal sash at my bachelorette party? Am I less of a bride because I couldn't care less about the kinds of shoes my bridesmaids wear, as long as they're ones that make them happy? Am I less of a bride because I don't walk around with bridal quotes etched into my water bottle? Absolutely not!

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Every bride is entitled to experience the kind of day that brings unparalleled happiness and respite. After all, weddings are a big deal! I think about what my soon-to-be husband and I have been through over the course of our four years together: surgeries, infertility scares, loss of employment, death of a parent (just to name a few), and at the end of the day, there's no one else with whom I'd rather have gone through each of those harrowing experiences. Weddings are a step into happily ever after and it's important to remember that with any ceremony, it's what happens next that makes the biggest impact on your life moving forward.

When people ask me if I'm excited about the wedding, I tell them that I'm excited to get married. For me, the greatest opportunity I've had in life is to find a partner who wants to walk on this beautiful, crooked path of life with me. Had my mother lived, I'd like to think that I would have indulged myself a little more into getting excited about the planning aspect of my nuptials. But, to feel some anxiety, to feel some sadness and a very real level of grief as I approach this day, I've come to accept it as a part of my overall healing.

I will never look back on my day with regret that I should have gotten more excited over my floral arrangements, or scoff at how I felt anguished at saying yes to my beautiful, blush-colored bridal gown without my mother standing beside me. At the end of the day, all I will remember and forever continue looking forward to is the life I'm lucky enough to live with my best friend, my companion, my soulmate — my reason for being.

If you've recently lost a parent, or even if you look at marriage as being more important to you than the wedding itself, you're not less of a bride for wanting to do things a little differently. At the end of the day, weddings are a celebration of the love that's unique to the two of you. Let your wedding, regardless of the reason, be nothing but a reflection of that by doing it the way your heart, mind, and soul are desperately craving you to do so.

As my mother used to say, you're never, ever wrong in the way you feel.

Guest Post By: Courtney Dercqu

https://courtneydercqu.com/

Courtney Dercqu is a full-time writer and marketing strategist who is commonly referred to as "Britney" at her local Starbucks, spends too much time snuggling her cat and thinks an Instagram feed is the best place to post a cup of coffee. She gets married in October 2018.