A unicorn wedding ceremony script with coinflip vows

Our officiant wrote most of our ceremony, and really knocked it out of the park. But my partner and I each picked out a reading, and I took a bunch of Daily Odd Compliments and put them together in a way that flowed. Then we wrote the unity ceremony part, and used a unity ceremony we found here on Offbeat Wed.

So I want to share our wedding ceremony script with you…

Introduction

Dear friends and family and those of you in the back, we see you back there, late, please take a seat. Today we are gathered to celebrate unicorns, and the union of “Mayday” and “Boy” in marriage, except we are all out of unicorns. Through the time that they have spent together, they have come to realize that their personal dreams, and goals are more meaningful through their combined power and efforts with the mutual support provided in their love for each other; and so they have decided to live together as husband and wife. If you here support their union, please repeat after me in a resounding HUZZA!

[Guests say “Huzza!”]

Marriage is not the beginning of what will be, but rather a celebration of what already is! Marriage could be greatest and most challenging adventure that humans choose to embark upon. But remember, no single act can define your marriage; only you can do this together, through many acts of, love and honesty; patience and support; and believing in each others abilities to play any and all board games fairly. What this marriage ceremony does is show the devotion you are promising to make to sharing each other’s values, and respecting that, through all times, you will remember those values and the commitment you make here today.

Marriage talks a lot about commitment, devotion and lifelong appreciation of each other. This can sometimes be overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be as long as you remember to love, be honest and listen to each other. The things you learn to appreciate and love about one another today will be different 10 years from now, trust me, but you will remember this day, and remember the vows you make to each other today, and you will re-learn and re-appreciate each other all over again, as often as you need.

But again, trust me when I say, that marriage isn’t something to be overwhelmed by. It’s about having someone to laugh with, to snuggle with, and to stick your cold feet under when you are sitting on the couch playing video games. It’s having someone around that gets your obscure gaming references or finishing the random songs you start singing. Marriage is having a partner to help you build hotels during monopoly, someone you can count on to during intense D&D sessions, a best friend.

Now we will have our trusty sidekicks tell us more about the meaning of love and marriage with a reading of “Scientific Romance Redux” by Tim Pratt and “A Collection of Daily Odd Compliments” by Logan Rhoades.

Readings

Reading 1: Scientific Romance Redux, by Tim Pratt

If starship travel from our Earth to some far star and back again at velocities approaching the speed of light made you younger than me due to the relativistic effects of time dilation, I’d show up on your doorstep hoping you’d developed a thing for older men, and I’d ask you to show me everything you learned to pass the time out there in the endless void of night.

If we were the sole survivors of a zombie apocalypse and you were bitten and transformed into a walking corpse I wouldn’t even pick up my assault shotgun, I’d just let you take a bite out of me, because I’d rather be undead forever with you than alive alone without you.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back to the days of your youth to see how you became the someone I love so much today, and then I’d return to the moment we first met just so I could see my own face when I saw your face for the first time.

If the alien invaders come and hover in stern judgment over our cities, trying to decide whether to invite us to the Galactic Federation of Confederated Galaxies or if instead a little genocide is called for, I think our love could be a powerful argument for the continued preservation of humanity in general, or at least, of you and me in particular.

If we were captives together in an alien zoo, I’d try to make the best of it, cultivate a streak of xeno-exhibitionism, waggle my eyebrows, and make jokes about breeding in captivity.

If I became lost in the multiverse, exploring infinite parallel dimensions, my only criterion for settling down somewhere would be whether or not I could find you: and once I did, I’d stay there even if it was a world ruled by giant spider-priests, or one where killer robots won the Civil War, or even a world where sandwiches were never invented, because you’d make it the best of all possible worlds anyway, and plus we could get rich off inventing sandwiches.

If the Singularity comes and we upload our minds into a vast computer simulation of near-infinite complexity and perfect resolution, and become capable of experiencing any fantasy, exploring worlds bound only by our enhanced imaginations, I’d still spend at least 10^21 processing cycles a month just sitting on a virtual couch with you, watching virtual TV, eating virtual fajitas, holding virtual hands, and wishing for the real thing.

Reading 2: A Collection of Daily Odd Compliments, by Logan Rhoades

You know what I’m thankful for? Having met you. And Nutella.

I thought I was normal, until I met you. Then I realized we’re both pretty weird. And I like that about us.
I want to grow old with you because all the weird stuff we do now will be super cute when we’re older, and everyone will be like, “Aw… look at those old people chasing ducks and throwing bread everywhere. That is super cute.”

I don’t like when you’re not around because when you’re not around all the fun seems to go away. And I love fun. It’s one of my favorite things ever. Even though I see you all the time, I still miss you a whole bunch. I don’t want to say that I have separation anxiety when you’re gone, but I’d be a lot happier if you just never left.

I can never stay mad at you. Mostly because I have too many things that I want to tell you.

You are one of the few people who understand the pure joy in doing absolutely nothing. I really like that you get my sarcasm because it’s an advanced form and not everyone gets it. Sometimes I feel like you’re the only person who truly understands my irrational excitement over certain things.

Not only would I catch a grenade for you, but I’d also toss it back. Nobody throws a grenade at you and gets away with it.

Sometimes it’s just like, “I am so over people today.” And on those days, you’re the only one I want to see.

Some people are all, “You’re the cheese to my macaroni.” But our bond is much greater than noodles. You’re more like the cheese to my macaroni, pizza, crackers, nachos, and burgers.

If I had 100 wishes, “spend more time with you” would be around wish number 5. I plan on bugging you every single day for the foreseeable future.

Vows

Thank you both for those insightful words. We should all leave here today a little more enlightened on how to love one another.

Mayday and Boy are ready to take each other as partners in life. To show their commitment they have written their own vows.

[A coin flip will determine who goes first. This is how we make decisions in our relationship. Inset your own vows here]

Unity ceremony

Now, to unify their lives together Mayday and Boy have will participate in a very special unity ceremony. Please take your positions.

There are some things that go together so well, one is rarely seen without the other: Peanut butter and jelly. Ham and cheese. Salt and pepper.

Both salt and pepper are two of the most common spices used in cooking. Very rarely is one seen without the other. Humanity has used both of them, valued both of them so much throughout history that the two are forever intertwined in our collective memory.

In cooking, salt is used to take away the bitter flavors, enhancing sweeter and savory flavors. Basically, salt makes things taste more like itself. It’s used as a cleaner and a disinfectant, and it’s essential to human life.

Pepper, on the other hand, brings heat and spicy flavor. While salt makes things taste more like themselves, pepper enhances the flavor that is already there. It’s been praised as the king of spices, and has been considered the most valuable spice for centuries.

Mayday and Boy have chosen to use these two spices to symbolize their union. The salt stands for how they make each other more like themselves, while the pepper highlights how their lives together are enhanced by this union. And, since they should always anticipate surprises in their lives, the colors are inverted — black lava salt and white peppercorns.

[Finish pouring and come back to the front.]

Ring exchange

Now they have made their vows to each other and symbolized their unity, they will exchange rings as a continual show of their commitment to one another to themselves and the world.

Boy, Do you?
I do [Slide on ring]

Mayday, Do you?
I do [Slide on ring]

Today you have made many promises to each other. Remember that your true marriage began long before your wedding day and the efforts of being married continue after this ceremony has ended. Take responsibility for making each other happy, give the highest priority to tenderness and understanding, remember to focus on what is right for you. In times that you lose sight of this, just sit down, play some Avalon and take that moment to remember how you felt about each other on your wedding day.

And now, by the power vested in me by the state of California, I pronounce you a married couple. Alright you two, like Ju Lee, “Do the thing”

[To the guests] I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Boy and Mayday LastName. Now we party!