How we’re talking to religious guests unsure if they want to attend our lesbian wedding

Sarah, of “Who’s the ‘groom’ in your lesbian wedding?” fame is back. This time she’s sharing how she’s dealt with religious family members that felt conflicted about attending a lesbian wedding…

My future wife and I have a wedding website that I’m hoping becomes a resource for our guests leading up to the wedding, replaces a lot of the paper goods and postal mail, and gets people excited/involved in the wedding. But it’s also a way to talk about that weird awkward stuff like the fact that we aren’t inviting kids to the wedding, and a way to offer info about what is involved in a lesbian wedding.

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Now, you and I both know that it’s the same as any other wedding (or as different as every other wedding, as the case may be). But within our community, it’s kind of a rare thing. I mean, this will be MY first two-bride wedding! We have specific people who have issues with our relationship for religious reasons and I wanted to offer a non-confrontational way to talk about that subject and maybe squeeze out a few “yeses” from those who are on the fence.

So I wrote this for our wedsite, to address the conflicted religious family members…

As you can imagine, being part of a two-chick couple is not always simple on a cultural level. Holly and I are incredibly fortunate to live in a time when it’s fairly accepted and generally safe for us to be together openly. We also live in a state where’s it’s been legal for two ladies or two dudes to get married for over a year. Yay, Washington!

While we have a great group of friends and family (and even acquaintances or relative strangers!) that love us and are extremely excited for us, there are plenty of people who still struggle with accepting that us being together can be both normal and good. Perhaps you’re one of them. You might also be unsure if you’re going to be comfortable coming to the wedding.

While you struggle with your answer to the RSVP, allow me to share a few thoughts to consider.

• Note: I’m not of the mindset that every marriage must be “blessed” by God. The existence of civil marriage and the separation of Church and state creates a healthy space where free people can enter into marriage on whatever premises they (BOTH) choose. I consider this an important component of a free society. But, the following assumes a religious or quasi-religious perspective on marriage.

When you attend a wedding you are doing two things: witnessing the marriage vows, and celebrating the love and commitment of the couple. The question to ask is: is my acting as a witness to these vows and celebrating the love of these two people dishonoring to God?

It’s a question many people I care deeply about are struggling with. This is actually a good thing, in fact, I think we should probably struggle with it a bit more.

The marriage sacrament, as it exists today, is not what it was 1,000 or even 100 years ago. We tend to romanticize the history of marriage with fairy tales about true love but generally speaking, the motivation for marriage more frequently had to do with convenience, safety, money, property or power. Often, it was a kind of slavery. These practices still exist. We see remnants of the colorful legacy of marriage at every socioeconomic level: the gold digger, the shotgun wedding, the offspring factory, the partnership or “merger,” etc. These marriages may meet some need in one or both partners, but they certainly don’t require love or even fidelity.

Returning to the original question: is celebrating these unions honoring the sacrament or “spirit” of marriage? Is this the relationship God had in mind when he put his first two kids together in the Garden?

Here’s the kicker, is the quality of the relationship more or less important than the quantity of men or women in it? If you believe it’s less, I’ll be the last person to ask you to compromise your beliefs or to share in our special day. Peace and love be with you. But, honestly, after seeing my share of abuse, infidelity, and broken marriages, I think we shouldn’t just assume God is on board at every boy-girl wedding we attend.

But, even if you cannot fully celebrate the quantity of ladies in our marriage, maybe you can be part of a celebration of love and commitment between two fellow humans.

Because, against all odds, by design, tradition, or accident, people still like to couple up. And, when the coupling is characterized by love, willingness, mutual respect, honesty, faithfulness and joy, I think that’s a win for humanity all around.

How are you dealing with family members who may be conflicted about attending your wedding?