I am getting married and I am, to the surprise of myself and those around me, not a wreck. Hurrah! However, there are some things I have noticed about the way people are treating me that is causing some strife. So here is my guide to handling me now that I'm a bride.
Forget your contacts and bask in these brides wearing glasses on their wedding days!
Should you wear your glasses on your wedding day? We've got two strategies for you -- and neither one of them is "wear contacts."
1. DO NOT ask me if I'll be wearing my glasses on the day. I wear my glasses during every waking hour. I cannot see without them. So, at what point exactly is it sensible for me to take my glasses off? In fact, that leads me to my second rule…
2. PLEASE TRY not to suggest things about my looks. I have been surprised at the sheer level of vanity/paranoia that the whole “bride” thing has set off; comments are innocently made, but combined with the knowledge that these photos are going to be around FOREVER I am paranoid. So, er, unless I am actively asking your opinion then don't opine on my looks if you wouldn't do it to me normally.
3. DO NOT tell me your horror stories. “On my wedding day, the priest got our names wrong and I fell over my own veil,” the wife of my boss cheerfully told me the other day. I nearly cried. They are funny stories, I will freely admit, just not at the moment.
4. DO tell me your horror stories about stuff that cannot possibly happen on my wedding day. A friend told me about a wedding she attended where the child of the pastor ran around unchecked for the whole thing. There is no child of the pastor at my wedding, so I can laugh and also faintly be victorious that whatever may go wrong at my wedding, this will not be it.
5. DO NOT ask me open-ended questions that can be solved with common sense. I cannot arrange how you are getting to the wedding. I am sorry. I provided instructions with the invitations. I am also unable to find you shoes, tell you when you check in to your hotel (yes, a real question!), or advise what time you should take off work.
6. DO ask me specific questions. I got a text enquiring if a guest house someone had found was a sensible distance from the town. I can answer these questions without having the sense that I'm having to organise you on top of organising myself.
7. DO NOT assume the groom is in some way invisible, or not helping with the wedding. We've split it remarkably equally.
8. DO ask me about the day. Look, I like to burble about it, and to be honest I can't help it. I enjoy talking about it!
9. DO tell me about stuff that has nothing to do with the wedding. Please, please, please tell me about the course you're doing. Tell me about your new job. Chat with me about Being Human and why Tom is ace. Discuss that new book with me. Tell me about why you're never drinking gin again after what you did last weekend. Bitch with me about your neighbours. I am still a person who isn't this mythical bride figure. I like being the centre of attention, and it's a fabulously easy (and fun!) topic to talk about, but I can be drawn along a line of just talking about it and that is a bit rubbish.
10. Finally, DO tell me when I'm being ridiculous. I tend to hysteria at the best of times, and now I'm even worse. Laugh at me, I need it.
So, tell me, what are your rules for how YOU want to be treated as a bride?
One of my “rules” is that unless it risks life or limb don’t question a decision I and my FH have made.
I could not agree with your rule more. I wish my FMIL would follow it… about my choice of earrings (they’re gauged so I need to wear gauged earrings), our choice of late night food (nacho cheese fountain ftw!), the times our photographer has told us he has to be where for what pictures (she thinks he will wait for her if she is late getting ready, and cutting time out of MY getting-ready pictures), my surprising FH with the ceremony music… Sorry, ranting. 🙂
Nachos cheese fountain! That is so cool!
lol ya eh! FMILs response “Ewwww, I think I’ll stick to chocolate fountains”. Too bad their ain’t going to be one!
haha no way! I just texted my fiance: Nacho cheese fountain! Nacho cheese fountain!
That is brilliant.
Holy nacho cheese!!! I so want this. The FH will want it EVEN MORE. This is so full of win, I can barely handle it.
Wait wait wait wait wait.
They make NACHO CHEESE FOUNTAINS?!?
My life is forever changed.
It’s like a fondue pot that turned into an overflowing lava lamp. I want this so badly.
My one and only rule is no ridiculous drama. I don’t want to hear about any fighting/disagreements/issues between guests. It’s incredibly selfish and avoidable.
Do not ask me what I have left to do. No matter how much I’ve already accomplished, my “to do” list seems dauntingly long and no amount of telling me not to worry about it will ease my stress. So just don’t ask!
I assume that “What do you have left to do that I can help with or do for you?” is an okay question, though 🙂
Haha yea just respond with “oh are you asking to help out with something?” 🙂
Perfect!
May sanity continue to bless you, hathycol!
My three rules (in addition to the ones you posted that I TOTALLY agree with):
1. Stop telling me it is the happiest/most important/best day of my life. It is ONE of the best days, but I would like to think it is at least the same as, say, the birth of my future children, or the day I finally finish my doctoral work, or when my future spouse or myself FINALLY land a full-time job. It will be a great day, but let’s not add more pressure by insinuating that it has to be the best day of my life!
2. Don’t think anything about my wedding has to be perfect, especially if you are involved in it in any way. I have already accepted that something will go wrong, and you will probably enjoy yourself more if you accept that, too!
3. Do try to keep an open mind about my non-traditional wedding and have fun!
Great article and I agree 100% with #2. I am 37 and I have what I think are really great grey streaks growing in my bangs. My hair dresser is obssesed with them and I think they are neat. I started greying early but it is the most gorgeous silvery grey I can’t color over it, I like it!! I can not tell you how many people have asked/suggested that I will color my hair for the wedding. Why would I do that?!
Aw, lucky! I’m very much hoping for grey or white streaks in my hair.
I don’t think it’s that early…It might just be that lots of people dye theirs
Agreed, I am 31, and have plenty of gray. My FH says it doesn’t make me look old, I make the gray look young, (insert ahhhh here.)
Gray and 32 here. I dye mine a little but I leave bug chucks of gray and it’s staying like that for the wedding. Silver is the new black!
Haha, I can beat you all! I started getting grey strands at 23 (I’m 25 now) from stress. And now I’m wedding planning.. I have no doubt my whole head will be grey by the end of this wedding!
I’m 29 and have a grey stripe -it’s spreading a little, but is still mainly a stripe. It’s been developing since I was about 24, I guess it must be a little genetic as my sister has a lot of grey and my Mum was pretty grey quite early. I like to say I’m cultivating the Caitlin Moran/Rogue/badger look. A couple of people have asked if I’ll dye it, and while I won’t for the wedding, I can’t rule out ever dying my hair. Maybe I’ll dye it to leave just the one chunk of grey! 🙂
People keep asking me if I’m going to change my pink hair to a more natural colour for the wedding. Have they met me? 😉 Pink pretty much IS my natural colour!
I have to have natural-colored hair for my stupid corporate job (which I HATE–the job AND the natural hair, YUCKO!) and I just informed my mother yesterday that I will SO being doing fun-colored hair for the wedding. Oh we’re definitely talking blue here, possibly some other colors as well. Maybe synth dreads, too! Oh hells yes.
I, too, have been forced to resign my old crazy-hair ways for working a job (urk.) However, I will do whatever I need to to have wild hair. I miss it terribly and want the pictures of that day to really show ME! Probably insertable extensions for the day in any colors I happen to be in the mood for! 😀
Hehe I love these tips.
I have had purple hair since 1994. My 3 children don’t even know what my “natural” colour is. They assume it is purple… I can’t wait to go grey, so I can stop bleaching it. My other half is 9 years younger and has greys, no fair!
Of course your hair will be pink! Idjits!
I wish I had worn a shirt that said “Don’t expect me to be excited about EVERYTHING wedding.” I loved talking about my Cookie Monster card box or carefully coordinated table numbers, but when asked about flowers, people didn’t like my “meh, whatever” responses.
This sounds like me. I’m extremely excited about the star trek communicator boutineers and serving our home brewed beer, but can’t bring myself to care about flowers. People seem more shocked by the fact that I am seriously thinking I might just ditch flowers all together than about any other aspect of my wedding.
I was excited about flowers…but only because I was knitting them. 😉
Communicator boutinierres = WIN.
Haha, people thought it was akin to blasphemy when I told them I didn’t really know (or care) about wedding colors.
Oh how wonderful… I wish I’d had this before my wedding, just to make copies and hand it to people.
A rule I have specific to my sister/maid of honor: In the event I start losing sanity and pull a bridezilla, spray me in the face with a spray bottle, tap me on the nose and say “NO.” Because cat discipline works on me. And hopefully it’ll make me pause, laugh and focus on the truly important aspects of the day!
My MOH has started carrying a rolled newspaper when we’re together for those times that I’m losing it. Nothing pulls you back to earth faster than a smack on the head!
Mine have been instructed to pour me a drink.
Thank you for the glasses comment. My sisters made me all nervous about me wanting to wear my glasses (I really don’t like wearing contacts). Fortunately my FH likes me in my glasses and WANTS me to wear them and my sisters did apologize for making me worry about it.
Other than that it’s just been some comments about how small (not inviting everyone to help keep costs down) and pretty casual we’re keeping it (again, keeping cost down). Mostly they’re benign questions. I actually tend not to talk about it too much because I don’t really want to know what everyone else thinks about it and make me second guess too much. As long as my FH and I are happy with it, people have fun and we’re married by the end of it, I call it a success 🙂
I was surprised to find out that people *wouldn’t* have been surprised if I didn’t wear my glasses. I wear mine about half the time (I’m nearsighted so anytime I have to drive anywhere, they’re on for the duration but around the house I don’t usually bother), which means that people always see me with them on. I don’t wear contacts. And, quite frankly, I like how I look in glasses! (Also, Mr. S wears glasses — he can’t go without them, but nobody thought *he* should get contacts for the wedding!)
lol @ “but nobody thought “he” should get contacts for the wedding” Sooo true. Is anyone asking the men, “are you going to grow your hair out?” Or “how much weight do want to lose before the wedding?” Or “are you going to get spanx?” It makes me nutso that there is such a double standard. He’s going to be in the pictures too!
Tehehe ‘are you going to get spanx?’. You made me laugh my coffee onto myself. But so true.
There is a double standard in the normal attire too though. Nobody is going to comment on arm/back/whatever fat if you are wearing a suit, but the chances are higher if you are wearing a strapless/backless/etc dress.
Yeah, I was totally rocking the back fat at my wedding! 😉
Yes, it happens. Trust me.
In defense of the men, well, actually, to an extent, yes. I get your point, but it’s worth voicing the vastly-underrepresented voice…
I’m getting the 3rd degree from various people about *my* appearance (not the bride’s) as well as constructive an not-so-constructive criticism about our various wedding choices. To date, *I* have done the majority of the planning for our wedding, so many of the questions are being directed to me. I guess my point is that I’m not so sure it’s a “double-standard” as much as the groom is so very often left out of so much of the planning (by chance or by choice) that there’s no point in talking to him about the decisions.
Yeah, I love my glasses, I put a lot in to picking out frames I love on me. Besides it sort of bothers me to think about drastically changing my every day look. I want to look back at my wedding pictures and know it was me there.
Husband and I would not look like ourselves without our glasses so despite pleas from our mothers and queries from vendors and photographers, we wore our glasses at our wedding. We wouldn’t be us without them! We want to look like us in our photos!
I walked out of a vendor interview over this. I also walked out of a shop when I was told Husband’s opinion “didn’t matter”.
I wear glasses 95% of the time, as in… When I’m not in bed. I did not wear them on my wedding day, but my husband had my glasses in his tux pocket and handed them to me so I could read my vows. For some reason, this caused everyone who noticed to laugh hysterically. I think it was a good thing, because it broke up the ceremony and I was not as nervous about reading my vows and somehow managed to do so with a smile on and without breaking into hysterical happy sobbing. I do regret not wearing my glasses all day, though. I look at my wedding photos now, three years later, and I notice myself squinting in most of them. My face doesn’t look like ME because I don’t have the glasses on . On the other hand, hubby wore his glasses all day because he is blind as a bat without them. He has transitions lenses and he looks like he is wearing sun glasses for all the outdoor photos… Which was actually why I didn’t wear mine… My glasses also have the transitions lenses. A good suggestion I wish I had received is: are you going to get special fun glasses for your wedding with anti glare that are not transitions? That way we can see your beautiful eyes and you can see us too!!
So many tips for me, that I wish I had the balls to share with my real life folks. Such as… Don’t imply that I am doing something wrong because it’s not on your timeline. You realize I’d still have a good 20-30 people show up if I never sent out invitations? Suck it. Also, believe me when I say that my (male) fiance is handling this or that. He’s pretty smart and competent. But who cares, I’m just marrying him because he’s a cutie, right?
And for the fuck’s sake, do not ask me if I am getting excited. No. I am socially awkward and terrified. I don’t want to share my issues with you, random person who apparently likes weddings way more than I do!
Love this about the timeline.
Future MIL sent out invites on our behalf 15 months before the wedding, because we said that we weren’t doing them yet and possibly not at all because everyone had already booked rooms at the venue and knew the details.
The are you excited thing: so true. I am 100% excited about being married, but can’t wait to get through the wedding – worrying like crazy, can’t help myself. “I am socially awkward and terrified. I don’t want to share my issues with you, random person who apparently likes weddings way more than I do!” – LOVE. So true.
Do Not make me a middle man between fighting family members. Cause honestly a couldn’t give a $#!£
Caveat to this: my grandmother has alzheimers, my uncle is in denial, and he’s dragged my mother to court over it.
Once lawyers are involved, forget about it…
So, modified rule? Don’t drag me into the middle of family arguments any more than I am. Addendum: people who talk about my mamma that way (and drag lawyers into it wtf) are NOT invited. Suck it.
Do not tell me who I need to invite, assuming your idea of who I’m closest to is better than my own.
do not tell me what i need to “make” my FH do. i do NOT need to “make” him cut his hair, i LIKE his long hair and more importantly? he’s a goddamn grown-up who can make his own decisions about his hair/life/everything, so stop telling me what you expect HIM to do.
I too hate the attitude that my FH must be some kind of very large child who can’t manage to think
Amen!
No. 1 was so funny and so true. I don’t actually wear glasses, but thanks for reminding me not to ask any brides either.
weddingscan.com
I heart this post so hard. <3 I got married in January, and the 10 rules I retroactively put in place are:
1) If you want to bring a partner, that's totally cool. Just tell me when you originally RSVP. Not two days before. And ring us and tell us you want to bring a partner- don't let my husband find out through someone else. :/
2) If you're stuck as to where it is you're going (and fair enough, bits of paper get lost), don't text me about half an hour before the ceremony asking where to go. Chances are I will not be checking my phone at that point.
3) Do not rant to me that there is "no point spending a lot of money on a wedding because 50% of marriages fail." Surprisinly enough, it's not helpful.
4) Neither is telling me that, unless my partner and I do a pre-marriage course, we will go the same way as my parents did (who divorced when I was 11).
5) Please don't make any comments regarding dieting, weight or not eating particular foods because I won't fit into my dress. It's a very sensitive topic in the first place.
6) Continuing on from that (and what you said in your post), don't give me a hard time about something wrong with my appearance because "a bride is meant to be a princess". I'm not a princess- just a regular girl who fell in love with a guy. Plus, it may give me a complex, and that's not cool.
7) For after the day, don't tell me if anything went horribly wrong. Because, surprisingly enough, there's nothing we can do about it now. Plus, it might just make me feel like shit knowing that something major did go wrong, when we might previously have though it all went perfectly.
8) Yes, I am hyphenating my surname. Cos, well, it's my name and my choice. Deal.
9) I am aware that I am frantically trying to get all my DIY projects finished a mere three days before my wedding. Please do not bring this to my attention, with statements such as, "OMG have you not finished that yet?!" A) it does not help my state of mind, and B) if I were finished it, why would I still be working on it?
10) Please, for the love of God, keep your opinions to yourself.
3) <— Really? REALLY?!?!?!
Good on you for not revoking that individual's invitation.
They were a work colleague, and not invited in the first place! To be fair, the rant was not directed *at* me- but it was said in my prescence, when my wedding was brought up in conversation. I don’t know- call me crazy, but I don’t know if discussing divorce rates with someone planning a wedding is such a hot idea.
Ah, yes, the divorce chatter. I get a LOT of that from people because this is marriage #2 for me. You’d think that tact would keep people from making some incredibly inappropriate comments to me, but no. I particularly love the people who jokingly say things like “well, it’s 50%, so you’ve cleared that hurdle, haven’t you? Hahaha!” 😐
a week after announcing our engagement, i got “second time’s a charm!” from three different family members. yeah, thanks for reminding me….
I can top that. My father in law was video taping the ceremony (my 2nd and my husband’s 3rd) and made it a point to “whisper” so it would be recorded “The theme for this should be. ..”I’ve Heard This Song Before”. BTW, that was a little over 20 years ago????
When my fiance told his mom we were getting married she said “Why? I’ve known people who have been married for 35 years and then their partner left them, why would you want to take that chance?” I pointed out that in 35 years I’ll be 72 so I probably won’t be cheating on him at that point. He pointed out to her that you can’t live life not doing something because “what if?” Oh yeah, that’s why I love him!
Ugh! The divorce comments are the worst. I’m sorry that they had that experience- no one should have to go through that- but they seriously had to bring it up? I don’t even know what to say to these people.
I kind of want to make a t-shirt with rule #2 made up for my wedding day. My sister and mother keep making comments like “who have you gotten to do manicures?” or “are you going to do pilates to get in shape for the wedding?” I will be rock climbing the day before and the day after my wedding, and I’ve painted my nails about twice, ever. Getting married doesn’t suddenly make me want to have high-maintenance hands.
Same with the pilates- I guess my usual weekly 10 miles of running, 35 miles of biking, and 3 evenings of climbing and weight lifting aren’t enough- brides clearly belong in pilates class.
I hate the manicure questions, too! It takes so much restraint for me not to respond, “when have you EVER seen me with nail polish??”
I’ve got a reply waiting for the manicure question! It’s “Are YOU going to pay for it?”
I’m just not one of those people that want’s to spend money on my hands. (These are the same hands that work with nails, screws, saws, and hot glue, every day.)
Yeah, pilates isn’t a workout when you already have that level of fitness. Besides a manicure is totally incompatible with rock climbing, either it will get wrecked or get in the way.
Tom totally is ace, though I miss George, Mitchell and Nina. :*( Awesome post, thanks for inserting some rationality into what so many people assume is a lawlwessness zone!
“Chat with me about Being Human and why Tom is ace” is just a requirement for me with anyone right now, wedding or no wedding!
Agreed; love this post, and all the comments, for bringing it all back down to earth.
1) Don’t ask me if I’m excited. Of course I’m looking forward to it; but I also have two assignments due, a new job, and some semblance of a life. My existence doesn’t revolve around our wedding.
My one thing is do not-for the love of all that is good and holy in this world- tell me I “can’t” do something. “You can’t have zombies” (yes the hell I can!!) :)If someone tells me I can’t it actually kinda means I have to now 🙂 Oh and also that whole diet crap….WTF is that about? Why do I have to diet for one day? STUUUUUPID!!
One rule, and one rule only: THE BRIDES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
Except for the kitten jousting pit, but we’ll blame that on sleep deprivation.
I’ll agree with you, with two caveats:
A) The groom is *also* always right
and
2) There’s a whiskey fountain and BBQ-ribs cake in the middle of the kitten-jousting-pit
My only addition to the list would be,
Don’t assume that everything I do has to do with the wedding. My life is much more complex than one day.
I am so sick of hearing “oh wow you guys look great, did you lose weight for the wedding”….heck no, we changed our eating to be more healthy and have a better quality of life…FFS
Ask me questions about things other than the wedding. I have a whole lot more going on in my life than just organising a wedding, and quite frankly it’s more stressful and I probably want to bitch about it more than I do about wedding things.
My partner and I have been engaged for a couple months and are about to publicly announce it (close family & friends know). While our wedding isn’t for another year and a half and we have yet to receive much feedback yet, I am definitely anticipating it; thank you for breaching this topic!
So far, I think my rules are:
1) If you are so terribly concerned about my DIY projects and the timeline, you are more than welcome to join the DIY team instead of constantly check in.
2) Yes, we are sure we want to encourage space-themed costumes alongside retro-formal… Please
3) To underscore many of the above commenters: YES! My [male] partner is 100% involved in decision-making and final say on everything we are planning. Fucking deal with it. <3
4) Please keep the "shoulds" to yourself unless one of us asks you or you're already on a "team".
5) Please do not ask how we are financing it unless you are following that question up with an offer to help fund it… We've got this, trust us.
6) No, I am not doing anything special to my body to prepare for the "big day"; don't ask. I take damn good care of myself and am only splurging on my hairdresser pal giving me a fancy hairstyle because she's damn good.
7) Again, please stifle the "shoulds".
8) Even though the professionals we hire are indeed our friends, please treat them like professionals, they know BEST.
Thanks for all the thought-provoking comments, everyone.
Now maybe there could be a future article on dealing with gift/gift registry options for the people who don't need "stuff" but have people who REALLY want to give a gift. 🙂
“Now maybe there could be a future article on dealing with gift/gift registry options for the people who don’t need “stuff” but have people who REALLY want to give a gift.”
I second this!!!
We’ve done lots of those posts: http://offbeatwed.com/tag/registry-alternative
We had that problem too. So instead of getting toasters and food processors (which we definitely DON’T need), we decided to register at thehoneymoon.com People can pay for different aspects of the honeymoon. You organise your honeymoon into different meals/ activities/ etc. and people pay for those specific things. Way better than a dumb set of silverware.
Re: #1, I suggest this phrasing: “Wow, you seem to be really excited about this DIY stuff. You know we could always use extra hands, why don’t you come around [the next time you’re having a DIY team meeting] and join the team!” Either you will end up with an extra pair of hands, or they will bugger off.
a massive yes to number 5 and I’d expand it a little to include “DON’T stress to me about your outfit etc constantly for fear you might clash with the wedding colours/ be the same colour as the bridesmaids/ be wearing flat when everyone else is in heels…”. I’m not Victoria Beckham – I really don’t care!
I second this! I think my list is growing…
My FMIL is SO obsessed over this… concerned with colors, and with what my mom is wearing… she’s been asking for over a year… we’re 3 months to go and I don’t think my mom has even thought about what she’s wearing… you’re not going to be wearing the same dress, it’ll be FINE! haha
MOB here again, with 6 weeks to go and here’s my addition, relevant to the stage we’re presently in …. rsvp, please. Those little envelopes that are pre-addressed and already stamped? Just check one of the boxes, write in your names and drop it off at a mailbox as soon as you know whether or not you can come. No hidden agendas please, and no guilt if you can’t come. Please don’t say yes when you really just feel bad about saying no and then be a no-show. And please don’t go on about the 7 other events you have within the same 10 day period, just say no! It’s okay, really! It’s an invitation, not an obligation!
Whew, that feels better.
I’m at the 3.5 week mark and STILL waiting for RSVP’s (despite having a clear deadline written in 3 different areas in the invite). I completely feel your pain. We have breached the “etiquette rules” and have finally started calling, emailing, facebook messaging for an answer, ANY answer. I will never ever not RSVP again. I want to go back to everyone I think I may have not RSVP’d to in the past and profusely apologize lol
Today’s the RSVP date…so phone calls begin this week. I wish we had put a note on the RSVP: If we have been friends for more than a decade, or you are supposed to have a role on our wedding day, please include a darn good explanation instead of just checking the “No” box.
I just want to add that I received some of the funniest responses from some of our cousins. One wrote a poem about how stoked he was to celebrate with us. Another made a cartoon picture of my husband and I as super heroes. I saved these RSVP cards. So I would add- please feel free to make whatever you are putting in that pre-addressed stamped envelope to us funny. We need a bit of humor because we were totally stressed and your creativity just gave us that burst of energy to finish all our last minute DIY projects.
Add on to #2: When I’m dress shopping, DON’T tell me how the dress can give me more curves here and less here, etc. I already know what’s going on with my body – I don’t need people to point out my flat butt/bust and try to stuff me with padding up the ying yang! I’m not fooling anyone with those fake boob inserts! 🙂
1) Quit passing judgement on me, my relationship, and my plans to get married at all. My relationship is none of your business, and I didn’t tell you about my upcoming wedding just so you could say, “oh dear, that’s a bit soon, isn’t it?” or “are you SURE it’s a good idea? Divorce rates are very high, you know…”. Stuff it unless you can be happy for me.
2) I know that planning a whole wedding with a month’s notice is madness. You really don’t have to point that out or tell me that it’s impossible. It’s possible because I’m doing it.
3) I’d really like it if other brides quit making faces at me when I talk about my plans. Yes, you’re wearing a £5,000 dress, saved up for a year to pay for your big, shabby-chic wedding, are getting married in a giant church, and inviting 150 people. I’m not, and that’s okay. I don’t pull faces when you talk about your plans, please respect that my plans for a small, retro-styled, brightly coloured wedding are just as valid as your traditional ones.
“I don’t pull faces when you talk about your plans, please respect that my plans for a small, retro-styled, brightly coloured wedding are just as valid as your traditional ones.”
Word to the wordy word.
Some friends of mine got married two weeks after we did- and, every time our wedding was mentioned, my guy friend took every opportunity possible to criticise and question mine and hubby’s plans. Everything from my choice to hyphenate my surname, from my coloured dress, to our first dance song, to my decision to invite my former stepmother to the wedding was met with disdain. And did I comment on him and his wife’s choices? No.
So yeah, I hear ya. My friend’s judgements actually really hurt my feelings, and implied that him and his wife were so much better and more cultured than we were because they had a more traditional wedding. But…as I said in my bridal profile which was featured today (NZ crafty wedding), “Haters gonna hate”!
OMG what a cute cute dog… love this blog i’m going to share it with my best friends who’s getting married soon – she’ll love it
I’m sick of everybody asking me about logistics. Mostly because that’s 100% the work of my MIL and I have no damn clue. I don’t know how many guests will be there, I only know how many invitations I spray-glued together and how high I got while doing that. Basically, unless it’s an aesthetics or design question, don’t ask me.
Speaking of aesthetics and design, all of my ideas are constantly shifting and what I tell you today, a month and change away from the day, has a fair chance of changing between now and then. If you want to help with decor and such, don’t ask me now. Come up to me a day before and I’ll happily put you to work on the final plan.
I thought of another rule)
PLEASE stop asking me when the date is. Until the Catholic church gets back to us (he is going through the annulment process.)we won’t know and can’t “set” a date. And no we don’t know how long that will take, ask the church because they won’t tell us!
I have a date, it has been the same for the past 10 months…it is on our website, save the dates, invitations, and various things on Facebook. People STILL ask me when it is…
This actually was a *good* question we got! Well after we sent save-the-dates, we saw a bunch of old friends for the holidays. Some of them asked if we’d set a date yet. All of them should have gotten STDs! They didn’t look traditional, and there was a hotly contested local election going on, so we think a lot of people from that area accidently tossed the envelope without opening it. Luckily, when enough people started asking for the date, we figure it out!
“You’re eating that? Aren’t you worried you won’t fit into your dress?”
Piss off. I ordered my dress a few months ago. I was between and 6 and an 8 so I ordered large because nothing sounds scarier than trying to get on a dress that doesn’t fit. I’ve also gotten back into running with the nice weather so if anything, yes, I am eating this because if I get too skinny life will be awful. My fiance has suggested I lose a bunch of weight over the summer and then just binge on cupcakes until I fit into the dress. Assurance I am marrying the right man. lol.
People gave me SUCH a hard time about going whitewater kayaking 2 weeks before the wedding. Which I do almost EVERY weekend in the summer, why should a wedding change it? “You want to be able to walk down the aisle, you know…” “You don’t want a black eye…” I wore my scraped up knuckles in the pictures with pride, thankyouverymuch.
#1, yes!
Wore glasses on my day and couldn’t be happier.
I can’t see very well without them and why would I want to miss seeing one of the most important days of my life out of vanity? I’m also not a big fan of putting stuff in my eye so no contacts were not really ever in the cards for me.
DO NOT ask me if I chose my grandfather to walk me down the isle because I dont feel close to my step father. It’s rude,untrue and not your business.
The thing that drives me crazy is that people put a lot of time and passion into their own wedding plans. So when it’s your turn, they think – passionately – that the choices they made are better than the choices you’re making. It’s really obnoxious. I’ve stopped talking about the wedding entirely because I can’t take all of the unsolicited advice!
Great comments/advice in this column! Here are some of mine (whoa, gets lengthy! I apparently had some things to get off my chest!)
1) Have requests? Here’s my payscale:
$500 will get your request read
$1000 will get your request considered
$2000 will get your request strongly considered
$5000 will get your request granted.
Like someone else said, if its not life or death, keep it to yourself. We’ve had the most bizarre requests ranging from “Please don’t schedule it during highschool softball season” and “we’re going to hawaii during these particular weeks, can you make sure to schedule around it?” to special requests for food (even though we’ve already advised that we can’t afford a 3rd option and have provided a few places to eat during the 2 hour downtime between ceremony and reception)
2) If you ask for a job and we give you one, don’t expect us to do the leg work. It is most likely not the most urgent issue on our plate and you will stress and overwhelm us if you constantly ask questions about it. YOU do the legwork and come back to us with options.Or even a better suggestion – when first assigned a job, make a complete list of what you anticipate you’ll need from us to accomplish it successfully, let us provide you those things then let us move on. Trust me, we need to be able to move on!
3) Please don’t be offended or give us a guilt trip if we have to say no. Many of you may not be accustomed to our usage of the term (we’re typically “yes” people, we admit it) but please understand and respect that every No we give has a logical and overly-analyzed reasoning behind it. I’ve said “no” to my fiance more times this past year of planning than in all the time we’ve been together. And if I have to tell him no (or vice versa) usually due to budget restrictions, you can damn well expect i’ll be telling you no too! Please don’t ask us to explain, as that will just make us feel even worse about it. Plus do you really want to dig up the “we’re paying for this out of our own pockets and want to make it special but just don’t have the funds. we’re soooooo sorry. please don’t hate us” speech? Its not pretty and may cause tears. {cont below}
4) Stop telling us we should’ve just eloped. Or thats why you eloped. Or that we should’ve done a pre-paid package in Vegas. Or whatever “helpful yet snide” reply you have when I’m frustrated with something.
I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sick of the elopement response. I have nothing against eloping. Great, if thats what you want, go for it. But everytime I hear this, I can’t help but think that the commentator is internally trying to justify why they chose to elope. Don’t use my wedding to justify your lack of somewhat traditional wedding. You did what you wanted, let us do what we want. Yes, we want to see family and friends that we haven’t seen in years. Yes we want to share this pivotal moment in our lives with our loved ones. Is that so wrong? No? Then STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IT IS. If you don’t want to hear me vent my frustrations, tell me and I’ll stop. But stop making me feel bad about my wedding because its causing stress. Your job causes you stress, but you won’t ever hear me say “well thats what you get for being a teacher (firefighter, manager, etc). Should’ve married someone rich”
5) This may not apply to everyone, but I’m throwing it in there as a vent for me….
As nice as it sounds, please stop reminding us that at the end of the day, the important thing is that we’ll be married. Do you honestly think we’ve forgotten this fact? I mean, I guess some couples might but you can bet your ass that we sure haven’t. We remind each other with every hand holding, every kiss and every hug. Your statement is honestly not helping. If all we wanted was to be married and then move on with our lives, then we’d get eloped. We want to share this moment and share a piece of our love with all of you. Unfortunately, some of you can be picky little bastards, lol. Signing a piece of paper together is not the stressful part. Being together is not the stressful part. Saying “I do”is not the stressful part. The guests are the stressful part! But we love you so much and care so much that you share this with us that we’re willing to endure the stress, and demands, and thousands of decisions just for YOU.
6) Please continue to shower us with your unconditional love and support. You probably wouldn’t guess it from my venting above, but we have truly been blessed with people around us who fully support and/or respect every decision we make. The choices we’ve made in our wedding party couldn’t have been any more perfect. Each of them have been astounding and so very patient. Not to mention our parents and close family. Its people like these who keep us going and make us so excited for our big day!
After this week, I needed a post like this! Forgive me if I go on a tangent.
1) Please do not talk about your divorce when wedding planning is mentioned. I am very sorry that your first, or even second, marriage didn’t work out. I really am! However, telling me about how you should’ve run when your father suggested escaping out the back and you actually considered it is NOT HELPFUL. This rule also applies to those who are still married after over thirty or forty years, yet they still feel the need to mention how high divorce rates are nowadays.
2) Do not ask me about the budget. Yes, we have one, but unless you plan on pitching in, it is none of your business. I don’t ask you how you’re planning to afford a new house or car, do I?
3) On that subject, yes, we know that we haven’t settled down somewhere yet, but no, we are not going to put off the wedding until we do. We already have had a long engagement- four years by the day of the wedding- and the idea of putting it off even MORE just adds to the everyday stress we deal with.
4) Yes, we have guests that will come to the wedding and the reception, and then we have people who are invited to the reception only. Do not accuse us of picking favorites or being unfair. We are doing this for many reasons some of which are about space, accessibility, and intimacy. If you do not get invited to the wedding, just remember that you get to enjoy the best part of our wedding: the party! And all without any fuss or muss on your part!
5) This last one baffles me the most, but please, don’t ask about the wedding and then remind me that it’s still two years away. I know this, and you know this. Why do you feel the need to ask me about the wedding if you don’t think I should be worrying about it? You’re just MAKING me worry about it.
“DO NOT ask me if I’ll be wearing my glasses on the day. I wear my glasses during every waking hour. I cannot see without them. So, at what point exactly is it sensible for me to take my glasses off?”
Hahahahaha, THIS! I have actually been asked this!!! I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 7, I love my glasses, I have never remotely desired to wear contacts. WHY would I not wear them on my wedding day? My glasses are as much a part of me as my fingernails and my ears.
I love this post. I have my own list of do
s and Do not’s as well. Seriously considering printing it out and giving it to everyone in our families. 🙂
1)Do not try to guilt me into tradition. I will not wear a white dress, cover up my tattoos/ hide piercings or get married in a church. I’ll wear what I like and show my body art. I’m not religious so me being married in a church would be expensive and dumb. (I could keep on for days, thanks to my FMIL’s wine fueled tirades, but I’ll leave it there.)
2)Don’t suggest a big wedding. It won’t happen. I’m inviting exactly who I want and no one else.
3)Don’t use my wedding as your chance to start drama. (Main issue being the FMIL being hateful to the FFIL because she’s not over their divorce.) You will be told to leave if you start anything.
4)Don’t ask to be invited to the wedding if I haven’t already invited you/expressed the intention to invite you. If I haven’t done one of those two, I probably don’t want you there.
5)Keep any advice to yourself unless I ask for it. The FH and I most likely have our own plans already.
6)Don’t suggest tanning to me unless you want a lecture about skin cancer and how pale skin is beautiful too.
7)If you look down on me for having a low budget wedding with only the people I truly care for, keep it to yourself. I don’t need a $5,000 dress to make the day special.
8)Before you ask me questions: read our wedding site. Most likely, you can find out what you want to know there.
9)Don’t ask if my father is walking me down the isle. The answer to that is no, he’s not even invited to the wedding. That you may ask why about. Just make it tactful.
That’s all I can think of currently. All of mine are a bit angry as I just got engaged, the wedding is 2 1/2 years off, and I’m already being swarmed with people and their two cents.
Thank you!!
I have only just got engaged and planning on being married in 18 months, have only looked at 2 venues and have not thought of a specific date, yet each monday there are 2 other brides to be that ask me if I have done anything about my wedding…No!! I dont share much with you anyway so why would I share every detail of my wedding??
Then there are those people that keep coming up to me giving me bits of advice so I tell them to email me and then delete it! 🙂 makes them feel like they are helping and means I dont have to listen to advice that Im not going to follow.
I love this article though.
1. If it looks stupid, TELL ME! – This one is for my MOH, who knows me and what I like. She also knows I tend to get into a weird bridal zone where stuff that I normally hate, starts to look appealing. This rule does not apply to anyone else.
2. Yes, the rituals of handfasting etc. are a must. No, I will not pretend to be Christian for the ceremony just so you can feel comfortable. I’m looking at YOU, Grandma.
3. Don’t nominate yourself as a member of the wedding party. You will look foolish, and make me feel bad when I have to correct you.
4. Don’t assume I want to cover my tattoos. It’s not going to happen.
5. If you want to help, ASK! I would love to have some help – let me know what you want to do, and if it’s possible, you can just go nuts on it!
I made a rule I like to call the non-issue category. I love my mother dearly, and she has been so much help with my wedding planning but we tend to discuss/disagree over the same things over and over and over. So my rule was 1. if we have came to a final decision once, we don’t need to discuss it again, it is a non-issue 2. If something is completely impossible and it’s never going to work, or we have already paid for it and it’s slightly wrong (the ringbearer shirt was about seven shades different from the groomsmen, like I’ll remember that at my 50th wedding anniversary) than it’s a non-issue and we aren’t worrying about it. 3. If somebody has a huge problem with something and I try to accomadate them to no avail, they are looking for ways to be offendid, and can’t be helped, they are therefor a non-issue and I will go on with original plans. My mother has learned now if I say non-issue, I love her dearly but the words she just said better never leave her lips again lol.
Yes to glasses and yes to my gray patch in my hair….its been there since high school why change it….the rest of my hair is pink and I’ll be covered in spray glitter lol I’m just sick of people making that weird face they make when I tell em oh were not walking down an Ilse or me and him choose to arrive together to the ceremony as equals and not be given away….I’m not using flowers, why should they die for me and they cost wayyy too much lol again the faces made by others lol the only one thing people actually seem excited about is having to go buy a nerf gun….doing a nerf war cocktail hour lol
please don’t mention this to my FH, He will insist upon it and the botanical gardens will throw a fit. >.< lol, It sounds really awesome, I hope y'all have a great time!!
I love your list, ESPECIALLY the part about not forgetting the groom! I’m newly engaged and already family members (all female, the men just say congrats and move on) have been questioning me about all these things and I’m just like, “I have no idea yet!”. The one thing that is constantly irritating me about all their questions? They keep saying “You’re the bride, it’s your day, he can deal with it.” I’m sorry, but it’s OUR day, not just mine and they always say those things when I tell them “Well, FH wants this, but I want that, so we’re looking for a compromise.” It’s gotten old already and I’ve not even been engaged for a full month.