Why does the internet love snarking about weddings so much?

Comments on Why does the internet love snarking about weddings so much?

1. Here’s the thing about the internet: it’s not just weddings that get snarked on. Anyone who shares ANYTHING publicly online opens themselves up to that risk, whether it’s about their wedding, their parenting choices, their workout routine or what they had for dinner. It seems like the Internet turns us all into over-opinionated jerks who can’t WAIT to share our sarcastic opinions about things that really shouldn’t matter to us all that much.

   What’s the solution? That’s a good question. For me, personally, I expect a certain amount of snark in response to my own personal choices on everything. I ignore it as much as I can, and above all else, I keep my own gossip and snark as quiet as I possibly can.

   • Anyone who shares ANYTHING publicly online opens themselves up to that risk

     Totally true, and reminded me of this: Swimming in a sea of shit: Phil Fish and the Internet’s war against creatives.

2. My partner and i finalized our guest list this week. pared down to just close friends and immediate relatives, we still have 151 people to invite and a 30 person “b list”. i had a mix of feeling like, “wow! aren’t we lucky to have so many people who love us!” and “OH GOD OH GOD THAT’S A LOT OF PEOPLE!”. while attempting to calm down, i read that postcard on postsecret. it really bummed me out. i’m glad you guys addressed it, this was a really therapeutic read for me.

   • Amusingly, knowing what I know about weddings, 150 guests doesn’t even qualify as “huge.” 🙂

   • I sometimes wish Post secret didn’t put the really negatives ones up. Every time there is a really anti-gay one I just get so mad. That person didn’t need to get that attention, even if it’s anonymous….

3. Most of the times people snark just for the sake of snarking! No matter what you do, people are always going to say mean stuff, either to your face or behind it. The important thing is that YOU & YOUR PARTNER had fun and loved your wedding. Besides, there will always be people, like me, who enjoy ‘weird’ weddings!! 😉

   • Yeah, I think this ties into the “Everything is tacky” philosophy… if you assume someone somewhere will hate *anything* you do, it makes it easier to make decisions that you can feel right about.

4. I think a lot of the time snark is driven by fear and a lack of self esteem. People put others down to make themselves feel better. I can look at something and say ‘Well, that’s not my taste, but to each their own’. I, unfortunately, know other photographers who will come into private photography groups and rip on a wedding’s decor, or other things, as if they were not really worth their time. That always makes me so angry. Do I love pretty details? Sure. But, what I’m really there for is people in love. So at the end of the day, its you & yours time to be together and have fun and screw anybody who says otherwise. 🙂

5. Another point for why weddings get a particularly high level of snark: they’re broadly considered very female-centered events, and bashing “girly” things is fun for the whole family! As much as I think (hope?) this is changing, much of the wedding industry is still directed at women, much of the media coverage of weddings focuses on the woman (remember all the “Kim’s Wedding” coverage? Who was that slob she married again?), and a depressingly large number of people think of a wedding as “her day to be a princess.” And maybe some other person shows up, I dunno.

6. As other have said, I might not really care for what someone is doing but I’m not going to try to tear them down for wanting to do it. I’d like to think that all people getting married are just trying to have a nice time with the people they know and love to celebrate a marriage… and I honestly think people should do whatever they want as long as they aren’t harming anyone! If a huge, expensive, grandiose black tie affair is your thing- awesome. It’s probably going to look awesome in pictures. Me… I’m pretty stoked we’re going to have cotton candy, pop corn, and snow cone machines at our reception! Two totally different vibes/events that at the end of the day celebrate two people in love & that’s what matters.

   The internet can get so so so very negative and judgy because we’re all hiding behind our computer screens… either way, Ariel is right to say not to give a fuck about it!

7. As someone who has been a pretty heavy internet user since the internet became a thing we could use, I’ve thought a lot about what it seems to be doing to social interaction. Specifically, how we relate to one another when our ideas conflict. Not to sound like someone’s Grandma screaming about how these kids today and their interwebs are destroying society, but I can’t help but notice that the internet is making us shitty to each other in ways we weren’t able to be before.

   I think it’s a fundamental part of human nature to be mean/have mean thoughts/judge one another. It’s not a part of human nature that we should be proud of, but deep down in all our brains no matter how much we try to evolve past it, it’s there. The difference was, before the internet, we kept a lid on it much better. In face to face interaction, if someone tells you something that you don’t like or disagree with, you moderate your reaction because the person is right there in front of you. You don’t want to get into a screaming argument with them. You don’t want to say something shitty to their face; and if you do, you see the tangible hurt in their expression and you feel guilt for causing pain to another human being. Yes, people always have and probably always will gossip about others behind closed doors and made nasty comments about things they don’t agree with or understand behind one another’s backs. The internet has changed the game, though. Now, if we have a mean thought, a difference of opinion, or don’t approve of someone’s choices, we just vomit it out all over the keyboard. We don’t have to see the hurt our words cause. We don’t have to back our snark up with potential escalation in person, possibly in front of a crowd of people who would be horrified to hear the argument we would cause. We use fake names and false identities and strike out at each other without guilt or fear of real conflict.

   On the extreme end of this spectrum we get trolls, people who derive actual pleasure from being assholes anonymously on the internet. But we also get regular people, who aren’t necessarily bad or getting off on being a bully, who have lost the polite filter that keeps social interaction running smoothly in person because they’re not able to witness firsthand the consequences of their nastiness. It applies to everything, from motherhood to fashion to politics…we’re becoming a society of people who have no problem using the internet to vent our Id all over our fellow humans because we feel safe doing so. Even if the person you’re trashing online does happen upon your comments and responds, it’s not the same as being confronted by a real person at the bar.

   Weddings carry a huge amount of emotional baggage for almost everyone, and many people have strong opinions about them. I don’t get sites that trash other people’s weddings; I’m a “not my jam but whatever” type of girl. I try not to be shitty on the internet as much as possible; but I can certainly see how there’s also a kind of mob mentality element to it. Someone (ahem, Jezebel) posts a nasty article about a seemingly pretentious Special Snowflake wedding; someone makes a nasty comment; someone else agrees; the snark starts to pile up, and suddenly it’s a free-for-all with everyone having a grand old time saying horrible hurtful anonymous shit that they face no consequences for.

   I love the no-drama comment policy on the Offbeat Empire for this reason; because it allows for sincere discussion of real things without descending into an intellectually dead troll-fest, unlike so many other comment sections on so many other sites. (I’ve often joked that all you have to do to lose your faith in humanity is to read the comments section on any article, just about anywhere.) It also allows people to disagree in a respectful way that leads to actual thoughtful discourse, instead of degenerating into “oh, yeah, well you’re a POOPY HEAD!”

   And that’s not so say that I (and I’m sure many others) don’t see stuff on OBB and OBH and the Tribe that push my judgy buttons…it just means that when you see something you don’t agree with, instead of firing off a random drive by shitty comment, you stop and take a deep breath and step away instead. Maybe you stop and think for a moment “what is going on inside my brain that topic X makes me so uncomfortable?”

   Or maybe you just have a second’s pause to make the conscious decision not to be an asshole, because making the conscious decision not to be an asshole is part of the Social Contract. Overall, the Social Contract breaks down on the internet in a way I find concerning, so it’s great to have a community to share ideas with where that’s not the case.

   • *fist bump on every account*

8. I think a big part of it is how incredibly intentional every choice in a wedding either is or seems. No one just accidentally shows up to their wedding in a video game cosplay–they planned it that way. The more a person seems to think about their actions, the easier it is to ridicule. I think choice is at the root of a lot of internet snark. You chose to stray from the mainstream, so you deserve whatever comes to you (my eWrath.) Since almost every major detail of a wedding is planned and chosen, everything is fair game for ridicule. This goes hand-in-hand with Bridal Hubris–the more a person goes on about their bridal choices, the more it seems to open them up to snark. Oh, you really did choose to have pies, (and it’s not just something that your grandma showed up with, so you kind had to use ’em)? HA HA. A lot of wedding choices can come across as self-congratulatory or braggy when they’re explained at length, so that adds to the you deserve ridicule mentality. The internet hates anyone who likes themself.

   • “The internet hates anyone who likes themself.”

     Nailed it to the wall, backed up, straightened it, and took a picture.

     • Ariel, that’s adorably clever 🙂

9. Sometimes I think Internet snark is pent up resentment at the people in our lives. We don’t want to openly hurt someone, or (to be more cynical) risk the consequences of saying what we really think. Once it’s on the web and in public, it’s easier to blast [decision] because you and the poster don’t know each other. You assume that the other person won’t care what Stranger #5893598 has to say*. I’m not saying this is right, just identifying what I’ve noticed in myself and people in my life.

   *Granted, this doesn’t apply to trolls.

10. This, THIS phenomenon of digital snark is exactly why 1) I tell people I “broke up” with Facebook when, in fact, 2) I never actually joined Facebook. Ever. Even when my alma mater was one of the early adopters back in the ‘oughts. People struggle with boundaries in interpersonal situations, so when the digital filter is added to our “person-al” interactions, is it surprising that the “person” is diminished, therefore increasingly easy to diminish?

    My approach is a bit extreme, I know, and I’m not suggesting that others must join me, though I do think it warrants consideration. I see the value in social media, but of the many platforms that exist, I would argue that few are as ubiquitous as Facebook and its brand of personal warfare. More to the point, the discussion above would indicate we already KNOW that the likelihood of snark is greater online, be it wedding snark or other.

    I cannot think of a better way to implement Ariel’s advice than to make the personal choice not to participate, and for me, that includes not participating in Facebook and especially not in regards to weddings, mine or otherwise. I’d rather be reading OBB 🙂

    • Totally with you on this. I committed Facebook social suicide almost 2 years ago, and while it’s still hard on a certain level (pretty much all my real-life friends use it as their primary way to keep in touch, no one sees my photos on Flickr, bla bla bla) I still feel really good about the decision.

11. I think you and the other commenters covered all the “why” I can think of. But I’d like to add one more “what to do about it”:
    –Keep the positive comments flowing! Sure, sometimes it may sound like one more “mee too” in the wilderness, but people need the support to counteract the negativity. A friend of mine recently had a blog post go viral (totally unrelated to weddings so I won’t share, it’s off-topic) and he was really stressing some of the negative comments, even though he estimated they were only 5-10% of the total comments. But he did take heart from all the positive ones. It takes a lot of positive energy to counter the negatively, but it DOES have an impact.

12. I know for me I snark on weddings because they are larger than life over the top pins on pinterest and I do find parts of them horrendously ugly or frivolous. They are removed from real life to me, I wouldn’t tell my friend her decor was hideous, but I would send a pin from a random wedding to one of my friends with a “can you believe this shit” caption. Plus snarking with my friends is fun and entertaining. We don’t do it where other people can see it, it is private to me and my friend. Granted we are also mean people and for some reason snark is hilarious to us, even when one of us rips into something that the other enjoys.

    • I’m all for private snarking, but I do want to note that “can you believe this shit” captions on Pinterest ARE visible. I monitor pins sourced from offbeatwed.com, and I regularly see snark like that.

      • We put ours to a private/secret board so I hope they aren’t visible. I would feel bad if they were

      • You’re right: you definitely can see those comments when a pin is sent or copied onto another board. I have had quite of few of my own ‘creations’ copied onto “WTF” and “UGLY shit” boards, as well as sent to other pinners.

13. Tying in to the financial reasons you listed, I think that it’s also really hard for a large group of internet-using people to swallow the idea of someone spending five or six figures on a wedding in the current economy. I don’t think it’s jealousy of the wedding, but more of a burning resentment of an elaborate/traditional/”huge” wedding being a very visible line between “have” and “have-not.”

    • Interesting, but I see lower-budget wedding snarked on all the time. (Don’t get the internet started potluck weddings, for instance.) It’s not just higher budget weddings that get slammed — it’s economical weddings, too.

      The only way to “win” with snarkers is to do a courthouse wedding.

      • True – the comment could probably be more broadly construed to be people snark about class issues, and weddings are one of the most visible displays of classism in America.

        (Snarkers snark on courthouse weddings, too. And eloping.)

        • TOTALLY on the class issues.

    • I think that is part of what’s behind most of the ‘bridezilla-type’ reality TV shows. There’s a mocking voyeurism of how specifically women (definitely centered on hating the bride) with more money than us behave, and part of the setup is that they have lots of money but little taste, so viewers can pat themselves on the back for supposedly having better ideas. Also maybe we’re supposed to take away that women with any tiny bit of power (or pressure) just can’t handle it.

      I think a lot of people have seen these shows and let it color how they view any weddings in the public spotlight, no matter what the context, because they feel they’ve been given some larger cultural permission to see weddings like this from now on – the doomed attempt to control others by an uppity, overly emotional female with too much money or too much authority. I can’t think of a single time I’ve seen all this snark directed towards a groom. Or the parents paying for the wedding, even if they have a lot of say in it. It’s always the bride who’s at fault somehow – probably not a coincidence.

      But yes, if she’s spending ‘too much’ money, it’s viewed as terribly selfish and wasteful. But if she doesn’t spend enough money, or doesn’t bend over backwards enough for her guests (“What?! Heavy hors d’oeuvres but no steak dinner?!”), again, she’s seen as terribly selfish, and cheap. I think this game is rigged. The only way to win is to ignore the jerks! There may not even be a real ‘perfect’ wedding to some of these critics – they just want to pick apart all weddings (brides in particular), and can always find some way. In real life, if they truly hate weddings so much, they can always just not come.

      • I just wanted to take a moment to say I really think this comment helps put some cultural perspective on this talk. The Internet (and TV and movies and people in real life) seem to think: Women= emotional, money grubbers who spend their waking hours wrapped up in girly wedding planning; men=normal.
        I agree that a lot of the wedding hate is directed at women and derives from social perspectives that weddings are for women, especially when the wedding industry and many people echo and affirm that idea.
        Men are interested in getting married and that’s normal, but since men aren’t generally seen as participating in the wedding planning, they don’t get snarked on as hard. I can’t imagine what the snark factor must be like for same-sex weddings, especially two women or any transgender brides. (Love and support to you all!)
        In reality, my fiance is very excited to take part in the wedding planning and shares a lot of the burden of making tough decisions.

        I actually haven’t seen too much snarking on weddings, but maybe that’s because I hang out with predominantly women in their younger years who look forward to marriage and women in their later years who are either married or over it. Honestly, in my younger years (i.e. high school) I laughed at my peers who assumed they’d get married and live happily ever after, but not at weddings. I always wanted to go to one. Lol.

14. People in general love snarking about weddings. I know a couple who are having a themed wedding in a few months, and most people we know are snarking about it. Other friends are having a very fancy and expensive wedding, and people are snarking about it

15. I just said to someone yesterday that weddings seem capable of bringing out the worst in everyone. There’s so much guff about Bridezillas (yawn)… but what about a name for all the people who think it’s their duty to impose their personal opinion of the ‘right’ way to have a wedding?

    • Etiquette police. 🙂

    • I’ve seen mention of “guestzillas” recently. 🙂

16. Simple! The internet is anonymous, you don’t know the person whom you’re snarking. Something like throwing stones at the person standing against the wall. And you’re an anonymous thrower of stones.

17. I, personally, think one reason wedding’s/brides/couples catch so much extra flack (IRL and online) is the hurt that it has the potential to inflict. Don’t like my hair cut I got last week? Whatever. Say my wedding dress is tacky and ugly? That cuts right to the core.

    Some people are just rotten and will go for the lowest blow.

18. I think part of the “snarking” is how many “rule” weddings have, and general tone it sets. Let’s just ignore this blog. There are lots of creative things, and lets admit- not the mass of weddings. I feel like snarks for this wedding can be part snarks for counterculture versus mainstream.

    Now, I think if I didn’t get married and jumped into wedding planning, I would get snarky fast. Heck, I get snarky and vomit induced when I pick a mainstream magazine. Why? It is very superficial. It’s all fluff. Mind you, I like looking at pretty dresses as much as the next person, but inserting some constructive content would be helpful. (hence why offbeat is awesome! Porn & Context) A wedding should be more than pretty shoes and if lace trimmed napkins match my vintage plates.

    So the core- of it all? A wedding is an expensive and pivotal point in our culture. I think when people (wrongly) assume couple won’t “last,” I feel like sometimes it is because their wedding doesn’t match up their values, and therefore, their values don’t equal a working marriage. Which is why probably wedding bashing hurts more than other types of negative comments. (like what nicolettenoree said)

    A great way to put it is comparing wedding to a funeral. The other big event that you will be spending money on. (sucks you don’t get to enjoy it) My future father in law one day, said how he didn’t want to have ANY fuss. No newspaper announcements, no viewings, no speeches, just buried in the ground. His wife was really upset, and was saying that was insensitive to family and friends. Similar thing with me and my husband. I said I wanted to be buried in an eco-friendly way, which means not being pumped with chemicals, which means, no viewings. He was pretty torn. To him a viewing was a must, but to me, creepy and uncomfortable.

    Point is that everyone has their own views. And it is a big life event.

19. I agree with your points in the main article.

    I am just bummed that you guys chose to take an image from PostSecret to direct the retaliatory griping at. I’m not saying that I agree with the secret itself, but that’s the entire purpose behind the PostSecret project: for people to have a safe place to vent their secrets anonymously. This site is usually very respectful. Just wanted to let you know at least one regular reader is a little disappointed with the choice in photo

    • So Ariel wrote this post last week, and the night before it was scheduled to go up, I saw that image on PostSecret and added it to the post. This post truly had nothing to do with that secret other than that my editor brain was thrilled with the timing. 😉

      For me, it doesn’t feel disrespectful to share a publicly posted image that the creator made with the express purpose of being published. We didn’t say anything rude about the person who shared the secret, nor did we violate their anonymity. Can you explain more why it upsets you?

      • I’m a devoted Post Secret reader and this really doesn’t bother me, basically for the reasons you said.

      • I’m not so much upset as just uncomfortable with it. Obviously, they’re posted publicly and they do spark conversations (as intended!). I guess my discomfort really just stems from the fact that instead of individuals discussing the secrets in their original context, the image has been re contextualized and appropriated to illustrate something in a completely different sphere. It’s not an *unjust* pairing, it’s just… urgh. I’ll be honest: I’m on some heavy duty overtime right now, didn’t sleep last night and was halfway through a cocktail before I checked my interwebz. At this point in my sleep-dep all my higher brain functions (like critical thinking) have preceded me to bed and I’m just getting a big ol’ Wall Of Feelings. It feels icky. 🙂 Sorry for the incoherent response.

20. I was thinking about this the other day when I saw the (adorable) meme proposal on Reddit, or somewhere like that, and all the comments were “OH GOD HOW TACKY SHE SHOULD HAVE SAID NO BECAUSE THIS PROPOSAL IS GODAWFUL TACKY”, and I thought, Man I wish this were on OBB, it would get all the props it deserves for being cute, unique to the couple, and heartfelt. I was also a little dumbfounded that people honestly believe that someone ought to refuse to marry a person they love because the proposal wasn’t done in a style approved of by the masses.

21. I admit that I am guilty of snarking on one wedding pretty heavily. And the reason is that the bride ran it as a fundraiser, with no regard for her guests whatsoever. It was literally painful. It wasn’t because she didn’t have the money to host us in at least a minimally comfortable way (and my standards for this are really low–blankets and burgers at the park, or a well-thought-out and thoughtfully organized cake-and-punch ‘do at the local church) … but she chose not to. She also chose to invite every one of her Facebook friends, while pointing them in the direction of her registry. And then with the multiple showers hosted by herself, with gift requests sent out….obliging her bridesmaids to buy the soda for the party….a bachelorette with a lingerie gift requirement, and dollar trees everywhere with signs indicating to “donate” to their honeymoon (this AFTER most everyone had brought something from the registry). Then there was nothing but Kool-Aid, which ran out, and food that ran out as well. The cake, at least, wasn’t bad, but she had someone else buy that for her as well!

    The fact that she wore a bright blue dress? Totally cool with that. Super Mario cake? Aces in my book. The reason I snark on this wedding is the fact that I left feeling like a walking dollar sign. And unfortunately, this happens to more than a few brides/mothers/MIL/bridal party members. People see things like this, and they start thinking “Brides are so ____” or “Brides just want _____” when really, the people who get ugly about weddings are very much in the minority. But people ALWAYS remember those experiences, because they spent time and money earnestly and feel taken advantage of when _____ turns out to be a gimme pig. Or when so-and-so gets stressed and has a meltdown, or when whatsherface obsesses on Facebook for ten weeks about tablecloth choices.

    I think a lot of it is that the internet has a snark problem, but I think at least a small part is that a very tiny (but incredibly memorable) minority of brides have selfishness/greediness/thoughtlessness/anger problems, therefore brides in general have a PR problem. For example, a close acquaintance of mine went to the wedding mentioned above, and it was such a tasteless debacle he now has a policy of not attending weddings at all.

    It had nothing at all to do with the offbeat choices, and everything to do with the off-color behavior.

22. Great post.

    I think weddings get so much snark because they are Such A Big Deal. They combine ultimate self-centered-ness with a huge budget and a gross time spent obsessing over trifling details. Plus gift registry.

    Too often, a couple gets obsessed with having “the best day of their life.” (Doesn’t that imply that the rest of the marriage is going downhill? Yikes!) They spend an entire year (or more) obsessing over this one day. Every little detail is of the utmost importance. The emphasis becomes “I’m spending so much time and money on this, it better be perfect.”

    Think about it – how many birthday parties have you thrown for yourself? Did you spend $30k on any one of them?! Did you spend a year telling all your friend about how important it is that this be the Best Day of Your Life, and the napkins Must Represent ME! ahem I mean us?

    To me, a wedding should be about a community of friends and family getting together to help a couple embark on a new phase of life. Yes a wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event that should be fun and representative of the couple. But how unique should it be? To people who like tradition, they don’t like their conformity to pointed out so they snark on the “wierd” weddings. Meanwhile the non-conformists love to snark on the Norms and their “stupid, boring, catered weddings.”

    I rarely read comments anymore because of all the assholes on the net, but this is a good conversation and I’m glad I jumped in. OBB is such a breath of fresh air! 🙂

23. I just wanted to say how much I am enjoying the OBB community. I have certainly privately been guilty of making snarky remarks at weddings but in general I really try to keep those comments quiet and really enjoy the general positive vibe I’ve been reading here.

24. I must have got really lucky in my years of looking at weddings. I saw hardly any bitching or snarkyness.
    I found one wedding blog in the early days of planning that seemed to be centred on snark. I even asked them why and the author said it was their thing if you don’t like it don’t read it. (Which I think is a ridiculous excuse for being a bitch) but I chose not to read it ever again. Now I can’t even remember what it was called. Life is far to short for filling my head with another persons issues.

    None of the blogs I chose to frequent when wedding planning are snarky or their comments (or maybe i got lucky and just didn’t read the snarky ones) I rarely used Pinterest to search and just used one private album for pining so I didn’t see snark there either.

    I’ve had one picture from our wedding get shared about so far and all the comments have been super positive.

    Maybe I got lucky when I was planning but it seems pretty easy to avoid the bitchiness if you want to.

25. Nice article, although I do have a quibble that the ‘Internet’ snarks at things. The Internet doesn’t do anything – PEOPLE do. Every single last one of us is responsible for our actions to others. By saying ‘the Internet made me do it’ it’s giving those people an excuse for being vile. I would never put anything on the Internet that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face and if I can’t think of anything nice to say, then I say nothing. It’s easy enough to do.

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