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We have a situation. Backstory: My fiance and I lived with some guys a couple of years ago who were slightly creepy, but still friends nonetheless. Fast forward to present times. We found out recently that one of said creepy friends-turned-roommates sexually assaulted someone on the sports team where we all met.
Needless to say, this former friend is NOT invited to our wedding… anymore. The problem here is that we sent our save-the-dates six weeks before we found out. How do we ensure that this predator doesn't show up at our wedding? Do we have to explicitly tell him that he isn't invited anymore, or do we casually “forget” to send out his invitation? What if he shows up anyway? The latter is a real possibility. He has done this with other events before.
HELP!
In this era of #metoo, we're finding out more and more about the misdeeds of others. You're seeing it in your social circle, and we're betting its affecting other readers and their guest lists, just like it's affecting you. And if your former friend has already received a save-the-date, you're right that he could likely take it to mean he's invited. Here are a few options to consider…
Be direct
(…or less than direct, if you are worried about your own safety.) In this case, the best method might be the most direct. Let him know that he's not invited. You can either tell him the real reason or use a tried-and-true excuse. No matter what might be happening with his accuser or his legal consequences, sometimes it just doesn't feel safe to directly call someone out, especially when you are not the accuser. Feel free to use an excuse (some are legit to your circumstances!) found here…
Hire security
It's easy to find professional security for your wedding. A quick Google of “party security + location” should bring up a bunch of options. They're often well-versed in discreetly handling unwanted guests and allowing your wanted guests to avoid any drama. Party security can sometimes be included with venues, so be sure to check if it's an option. Make sure security knows who to look for, and what you want done if/when they arrive.
Be prepared if he shows
If you don't deal with the situation before the wedding or you decide to subtly omit the invitation in the hopes that the former friend won't show up, you may end up seeing him at the wedding. Hopefully you can avoid any conflicts, but you'll want to consider a few things:
1. Rely on the security mentioned above
2. Have a point person available to escort him out if it's during a point where security isn't there (like a pre-party, rehearsal, etc.)
3. Make sure point people know how to handle the discreetly and clearly
4. Ask someone to keep an eye on the victim, if they are in attendance
Here are more tips for avoiding wedding conflict with unwanted guests…
More advice on unwanted wedding guests:
About the Author: Catherine Clark
Catherine Clark loiters at her local library, makes art, watches movies en masse, plays video and tabletop games, poorly cooks healthy things, cuddles with her feline fur babies, and blogs at BijouxandBits.com.
If safety isn’t a concern, I would definitely be direct and tell him that he’s not invited because of what he did. It’s good for creeps like this to realise that, as well as potential legal consequences, actions like sexual assault can lead to the perpetrator being ostracised from society and losing friends. Obviously safety comes first, but if he’s being excluded from your wedding he needs to know why.
If you’re safe doing so, tell him, any anyone else that inquires why he’s not invited. Out these creeps for all and sundry to see. Shine a big freaking light on their faces. They deserve whatever consequences they receive.
*A “save the date” is not an invitation nor a guarantee of receiving one.