My future husband and I are nearing the six-month mark until our wedding, and planning and preparations are ramping up. One detail that's been plaguing me ever since I bought my dress has been figuring out what I'm going to do with the length. It's a beautiful, full-length gown, absolutely outstanding as it is. But I've always loved the idea of a tea-length gown. So cute and flirty. Slightly offbeat, while still looking vintage and chic. So much easier to dance in.
My fiance won't help me with wedding planning: Learning from partnership imbalances
Ariel answers the perennial question: "Why does it seem like all the wedding planning falls to me?"
So I go back and forth, back and forth, on this decision. The past six weeks or so, I was gung-ho about getting it shortened. Then, one night, I was telling my partner about how I was once again reconsidering. While I listed out the pros and cons of leaving my dress full-length, I could see his eyes begin to glaze over. “Mm-hmm,” he said as I talked, stifling a yawn.
Which was when I realized: Who the hell cares?
There are lots of instances when it's completely valid to get frustrated because your partner isn't interested in what you're saying. But in this case, it was a wake-up call.
The only person who's at all concerned about the length of my wedding dress is me. Which I should have known, because when I dropped the bomb on my mother and sister about possibly, OMG, maybe getting my dress shortened, their response was pretty much, “Cool! Sounds cute! So what else is up?”
I'm the only one who might have any regrets about what I wear, regardless of what my final decision is. The way I look when I get married will be slightly altered no matter what I do with my dress, but it's not going to have any other effect on our wedding.
My partner was never particularly interested in having a wedding. Which, I know, we've talked about a lot: How do you deal when your person just doesn't care about the details? How do you get them involved? How do you make sure that it's really just about the wedding, not about the reality of committing your lives to each other?
And those are important issues, but in this case, it wasn't about trying to wrangle an opinion out of him. It was about recognizing that sometimes I lose myself in the details. And being the partner who says “I really don't care what our cake looks like, or what the table decorations are — it's all the same to me,” well, it seems like that can be really freeing.
I could really learn something from that adorable guy I'm marrying.
What surprising lessons have you learned from YOUR partner during wedding planning?
We care about all our stuff – you know, if we didn’t we wouldn’t be paying for it – but a dash of Who The Hell Cares? is SO good. It is freeing. If you hadn’t thought about it ever before you actually got engaged or started planning, you don’t care about it that much. I was umming and ahhing about which dress to get and then I realised that the most practical one is probably the best – who the hell cares except me, you know?
This advice is great for just about anything you’re planning with someone else — travel, house-hunting, decorating, etc. I always need help refocusing priorities when I’m excited about something, and since I obviously respect whoever I’m in on the project with, checking their priorities against mine is a great tactic. Thanks for the post!!
It’s times like these I find a wedding forum or another bride-to-be to hem and haw with! I’d be happy to weigh in on the great dress length debate (it really depends on the dress), but you’ll have to tell ME if I should go with the blue napkins or the white napkins (my current world altering decision that I realize makes absolutely no difference in the grand scheme…) Sigh. Wedding planning.
Mine is super involved! Like “no those type of flowers look cheap … I don’t want your girls to wear gray” … Lots of thoughts. At first I wanted to scream, isn’t this all my choice? But now I love it. It’s our wedding & I think it’s awesome he wants to help with everything.
See, my issue is that I wanted to elope, and my partner wanted to have a more typical wedding (family and friends; dinner, music, dancing; me in a long dress; him with his brothers as best men), but I’ve been left to do most of the planning. I’ve called him out a couple of times when he’s claimed that this stuff (i.e. wedding details) matters more to me than it does to him. This isn’t my dream wedding.
This entirely! And tho the wedding was beautiful, I regret the fuss, time and expense, especially since the MIL debby – downered the whole thing, so that my family were angry, she wasted money and the guests were all a little anxious. Who needs guests like that?
My husband-elect is the same way. I feel like it’s unfortunately not terribly unusual, like there’s a certain category of people that likes the idea of doing a ceremony with family … and then doesn’t want to actually plan anything. Sigh.
Hi, I’m the same way. I wanted to elope. He wants a “real” ceremony where his family can attend. Somehow I’m doing most of the planning. It was stressing me out. I finally told him how I was feeling and told him unless he took more ownership I wasn’t going to keep planning. We ended talking about each others “must haves” (I don’t want a wedding, but if I’m going to have one I want certain things done right) and then we divided it up: I’m planning certain things and he’s planning certain things. SO much less stress.
Sometimes you have to accept that some grooms aren’t interested in wedding planning. It’s just not their thing. Be happy if he trusts you and your decisions and supports you. Ask for his opinion on things that are really important and matter to you. Ultimately, focus on making your wedding day a fun celebration with your closest friends and family.
I don’t have much to plan because we’re getting married on a dive boat (not much room) but I sure would love to have some input from my future husbo. We currently live on different islands and it’s definitely challenging when you’re not part of each other’s daily life.
There’s nothing like the mostly-uninvolved partner to help you with the reality check. I love cake. So, I had a list of 3 places, vetted from friends and business associates who recently got hitched, and proceeded to get my Man to go to tastings. Apparently, he Loves free cake testings. The first place we went to, the cakes were tasty. Very tasty. He said: I don’t think we need to go anywhere else, do you? And I thought: dang! He is right-the cakes taste fabulous, the decorations are fabulous–I don’t need to go to 2 other places to know for sure we made the right decision. My Man just saved us time and my sanity. It can be that simple.
The length of your dress matters more than you’re giving it credit for. It matters in whether or not you’re going to trip over it. It makes a difference what shoes you might decide to wear (secret rainbow socks & combat boots that no one sees? heels & how does that decision affect the hem length? saddle shoes or gillies or pumps or sandals? What does that mean for hosiery?). For some people, comfort might not be a factor in their decisions, but for most of us it is. I suspect the glazed eyes from your partner and lack of interaction from your mom are more about the fact that you said you KEEP going back and forth & just being sick of hearing about it, rather than not caring at all about your happiness and comfort.
I always always always remember the most important parts of the wedding- a good knees up, a full belly, a bit of a jig on the dance floor and a good atmosphere. Everything else escapes my memory as soon as I leave the venue… Those tiny little details really don’t matter to anyone but those who are worrying about them 🙂