The honor of your presence is denied: how to tell people not to come to your wedding (APRIL FOOLS!)

In light of Ariel's announcement this morning, we're giving you a preview of the upcoming shift in our focus…

Can we all just pause a moment to be thankful for the new wedding trend we can all celebrate? It's schadenfreude at its finest. It's the “anti-invitation” and if you haven't issued yours, you're missing out.

You know there are people in your life who are SO not invited to your wedding. You know you can just picture them salivating over your spread of delicious eats, pawing over your pretties, and ogling your awesome like a kid in a candy store window, knowing they aren't allowed in. Cherish that feeling. You are a special snowflake, and you get to be a bit chilly.

Here's how…

The easy way out – just don't send an invitation?

The Boston Globe reviewed the trend and asks, “What happened to the days when non-guests just figured out they weren't invited when they simply didn't get a save the date in the mail?” And I'm here to tell you: these fools don't figure out you “secretly” hate their guts and want to rub your happiness in their faces just because you didn't send an invitation. You have to Emeril Lagasse that shit and take it up a notch.

The Onion skewers us: Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

This is the most awesome satire of offbeat wedding trends since Portlandia's "Cool Wedding": Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities. Yes, it's... Read more

Sure, you can talk endlessly about your amazing upcoming nuptials at work and on Facebook. You can wax poetic about your party plans, and sniff sentimentally about your ceremony, and you can fucking drool over the tastings you have to try “real quick” in front of them, without offering them any hope of an invitation to partake in the festivities on your Big Day. But that smacks of effort, honestly. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Pompous Circumstance

Our truly offbeat approach is to get your DIY on and altar your thinking. You want to enjoy the hell out of their disappointment, so put some planning into it. Nothing sets up the sad trombone quite like a beautiful envelope that looks like it should totally have their eagerly anticipated invitation. Dear Prudence highlights the trend here — where sometimes more than one anti-invitation is appropriate to send to the same anti-guest. So grab a sharpie and go to town on your leftover invites to DIY your own anti-invites. Here are some ideas to get you started:

“I'm so glad that you won't be there with us on the day, but we look forward to gloating afterwards!”

“We're able to invite everyone we know and love, and you aren't on that list.”

“The honor of your presence is denied, but our registry is still available to honor us with your presents!”

and perhaps the most straightforward, the klassy with a “k” —

“Please don't come to the wedding of …”

Feeling gutsy enough to design your own wedding anti-invitation JUST for your anti-guests? WE'RE HERE TO HELP! Try some of this wedding anti-invitation wording that will totally make them barf:

Your hate and frenemyship have
helped us avoid who you are.

Together with our families and friends,
we invite you to suck it
and bask in our happiness, your sadness,
and our mutual agitation at each other's existence,
as we completely ignore yours and
celebrate our marriage without you.

her
and
him

Sunday 23rd August at 2 o'clock
The Ashes, Endon, Staffordshire

A celebration with dinner, drinks
and dancing will follow.

You're not invited to any of it.

Because fuck you, that's why.

So, to all you special snowflakes waiting to send a chill up a spine or two, we look forward to seeing how your anti-invitations turn out. Make sure to share them in the comments below! We know we're not invited, but we're still waiting to see that shiny envelope that teases us into thinking MAYBE we are… only for you to creatively and brazenly dash our dreams. Bitches.