I did not expect to learn so much about self-confidence when I started this whole wedding thing. (Even though I needed SOME self-confidence to even make the proposal in the first place.) It's been over a year now since I proposed, and we're just under six months to the wedding, and things are starting to fall solidly into place.
I've grown more confident in myself because I had to take charge in my planning since no one else would. My dad is happy to write the checks for the decisions I make (to a certain extent) and my fiancée is just not interested in the details — she has a few things she cares about, but that's it.
While other people have written about how wedding planning helped them learn to say “no” to people who kept making demands, I've learned to say “yes” to myself.
So here's what I've learned about myself…
I don't need someone else to validate all my decisions
Like the tablecloths and place settings for the reception. I really don't need someone to validate my every decision every step of the way and check with my fiancée every time I tweak the design! I can do it on my own, and when I'm satisfied with it, I can send it to her to show her what I decided. (She can veto it if she hates it, but it's not looking for approval so much as letting her know what's going on.)
I can take on big projects all on my own
For example, the hotel block stuff — I'm getting it settled on my own, by my own initiative. I knew I needed to get it done before sending the save the dates, so I got it done. I asked the Tribe whether they were useful in the first place (they are) and if I should get one (I should). I found GroupTravel.org and used their service to collect quotes from a bunch of different places. (HIGHLY RECOMMEND.) I'm being smart about going with what I like (places that will communicate by email) but not being afraid to ask for what I want ($10 less per night, guaranteed shuttle service).
Of Brides and Zillas
Seems like no matter what you do, someone's going to call you a Bridezilla. But we're DONE with the term. "Bridezilla" is the new "Tacky."
I did the save the dates on my own too, pretty much. I couldn't find any designs I like, so I chose to do my own, and decided which printing service I'd use. I ran the final design by my fiancée before sending it off to be printed, and done! I made it happen. Same with the wedding website. We needed one, and I decided how to host it, what layout, what info and pages were needed — everything.
I can want and choose things because *I* want them
When we figured out that we really wanted a “geeky fandom princess” theme, I didn't worry about whether other people would think it was childish or expected or anything — it's true to us, and so it's what we are going to do!
I can do this because I am an awesome person, and I am not asking for something ridiculous by wanting the purple tablecloths with gunmetal shantung table runners. I can make choices on my own behalf! By choosing things on my own, I am not being selfish, or a bridezilla, or inconsiderate, even if my anxiety and depression try to convince me otherwise. My fiancée has left the decisions up to me, and I am making them. And it's a damn good thing I am, because I know I'll be better off in the long run when I'm not afraid to declare what I want.
I can also be okay when I don't get my way
On the flip side, it's also okay for me to say “I want to go to Disney World for our honeymoon” and my fiancée to say “Sorry, but it's never been on my list of places I want to go, and I'd prefer to go somewhere else.” It doesn't have to be my way or the highway, but negotiations sure as hell work better when you communicate what you want.
Ultimately, I feel like I have grown into whatever the opposite of a bridezilla is. Someone who is confident and happy and ready to negotiate calmly to get what she wants. Someone who is better off for wedding planning instead of turning into a scary rage monster of demanding doom. If anyone has a good term for that… let me know. I'd love to start using it.
Great article. It’s always nice to see someone who came out above when it came to their wedding plans.
Name – Briderella? A bride that acts as if she is a princess, lady or at the least holds her composure well – rather than bridezilla – a raging monster lol. I agree the term is tacky now, especially thanks to the tv show. Seems like it encourages women to behave overly tacky. I went with a DIY approach with my flowers – what a nightmare for a novice! I haven’t done crafts since elementary school and I thought this would be fun… I almost would rather go without flowers at this point. My bridesmaids haven’t done anything but accept their roles – how do I get them to help without demanding?
I found it helpful to just be open with them, as you would a normal friend on a normal day asking for help about a normal thing. “Hey, I’m really stressing about ___, and need some help. Who’s willing and able to do ____ for me?” Or if it’s something specific (like paper flowers), and so-and-so always had a knack for paper things or did that one craft that one time, then approach them directly and ask them specifically.
I think the majority of bridesmaids (unless they’ve been a bride) genuinely have no idea what you want or need from them and that direction from you is the much-needed “push” to step up appropriately. If they can’t, or it’s too much responsibility for them, you can always recruit others or make a party out of it one night or two. Essentially, being the bride’s much-needed right hand (wo)man is the point of being a bridesmaid, while the bride, in turn, recognizes how valuable they are to her life as well as in the wedding.
No way would my fiance go for a Disney honeymoon… and we even have an 8 year-old!
I love this post and can really relate. I’ve had to majorly step-up and stick to my guns with decision-making during this whole process. I hear you about there being balance between compromise and finding your voice. Love this! Yay for communication! Yay for decisions! Yay for the positive side of wedding planning!
This!! So much of this!! Could not have come at a better time! Our wedding is in 8 months and I can already see myself looking for approval on my decisions from my mother and my fiance. I can decide/choose stuff myself…its nice to have this fact reiterated.
Yes!! All of this!! Wedding planning has been so empowering for me, and I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one. I’ve been able to make decisions and have the final say and not feel bad about it. I’ve also been really excited when my fiance has input. Pie instead of cake?? Sounds good to me! I’ve had no problem saying “yes” or “no” at the appropriate time and it’s a great feeling. It makes me feel like I can carry that over to other parts of my life 🙂
Love this. Wedding planning has taught me how to say “no”, which is something I’ve always struggled with.