This hilarious wedding script includes a ball and chain exchange!

You can see Hannah and Joshua's Good Omens WEDPOCAPLYPSE wedding here, but we wanted to share their hilarious wedding ceremony script separately, including their ball and chain ceremony. Instead of a wedding party, they had the FOUR HORSEFOLK OF THE WEDPOCALYPSE, and the results were as hilarious and amazing as you'd expect.

• Master of Ceremonies – Samson
• Bride and groom: Hannah & Joshua
• Intimacy – Bren
• Humor – Bobby
• Collaboration – Jennifer
• Romance – Tarra

Ceremony introduction

Samson: Welcome, everyone, welcome! Welcome to this glorious occasion! I think we all need a good excuse for a party! And I can’t think of a better reason than to celebrate these two wonderful folks, Hannah and Joshua.

They say there are two kinds of people: people with eyebrows and people without eyebrows. We are blessed to have one of each here with us this evening. Opposites do attract!

Little bit of housekeeping: this ceremony is unplugged. Please silence and stash all cellphones, iPads, and non-life supporting electronic devices so that you can be present for this marvelous event. Also, please stick around for a few group photos immediately following the ceremony!

Now, you will meet our Four Horsefolk, to initiate this Wedpocalypse!

Josh: Wait, so everyone else gets a grand entrance but me?

Samson: … I mean, you guys wanted to do this a little differently, but if you want a grand entrance, be my guest! All rise, may I re-introduce, the Groom!

[Josh runs up the aisle and dances back to the sounds of the guitar solo from ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps' by the Beatles]

Samson: …and I am the officiant. That means I stand here and make the introductions, warm up the crowd, sort of tie everything together. And what a time to be together!

[The remainder of processional is timed to the ‘One Day' instrumental from the film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End']

Samson: The event we are gathered here to witness is upon us: The Wedpocalypse. Apocalypse is a feeling of exponential acceleration, of hurtling towards a day in which all the choices made on all the days before smash together into an imperfect harmony, in the wake of which nothing will be recognizable. A wedding likewise marks the ending of something: the ending of feeling alone in the universe.

To bring about the Wedpocalypse, we need the seven seals. No kraken, no raining fish, and no demon in a flaming Bentley. We have here our groom, and you all have me. But now four must ride as one, the Four Horsefolk of the Wedpocalypse!

[Each of the Four Horsefolk burst through paper, except for Tarra, who politely declines]

These four people near and dear to Josh and Hannah each represent one of the pillars of their union: Romance, Humour, Collaboration, and Intimacy. The Four Horsefolk are the instigators of the Wedpocalypse, and along with all of you, the support for Hannah and Josh’s marriage. The Four have made their journey.

Together with myself and the groom, we have 6 of the 7. There is, of course, one seal left to be broken, one more person we need… our bride. And when the two join together, our Wedpocalypse will begin. All rise!

[Bride enters, tears away first skirt halfway down the aisle.]

Readings

• Bren reads the poem ‘Today' from ‘Nine Horses‘ by Billy Collins
• Jennifer reads the essay ‘Please Marry a Man Who Understands Feminism' by Jennifer Wright
• Bobby reads passages from ‘Still Life With Woodpecker' by Tom Robbins
• Tarra reads the poem ‘The Other Us' by SweetPurgatory
• Josh and I recite “A Vow” by Wendy Cope

Vows

Josh's Vows: Hannah, I love that you are my biggest champion, always looking to push me to be the best me I can be. I love that you envision the future you want so vividly that it helps me strive harder to accomplish goals that I put forward. The full range of emotions I get to see you express brings so much joy.

There are no adventures quite like doing meet and greets with a band that held deeper meaning to me, in-depth online board games played together, and travels to watch a sunset that wouldn't mean as much with anyone else.

I promise to give you reasons to roll your eyes at the puns I have till I draw my last breath, to keep my butt looking just the way you like it, and promise to do the dishes 98.23 % of the time.

I strive to continue making ‘Atomic Atwood' the vision that we have dreamt about a reality, and to find exciting ways to surprise you in the happiest way possible.

Hannah's Vows: My darling Josh… before you came into my life, I didn’t think I’d have a lifetime love. I’m so lucky to have found in you the perfect blend of supportive partner and independent spirit to share my home and future with. Your commitment to self-growth is one of my favorite things about you, along with your glitter beard and your butt.

No matter what happens, you always give 100% even when trying something new. That inspires me to always give my best energy to self-growth, and our growth as a couple. Our mutual admiration, our complementary personalities and skill sets, and our effortless sense of humor give us such a marvelous balance as a couple that we can accomplish anything we want together.

Today we honor that magnificent love and make promises to maintain and uplift it for the rest of our lives. I promise to revel in the learning of how you express yourself, and honor your emotions as they continue to reveal themselves in new ways. I promise to always be a safe space for you to grow and try things, but not expect you to grow or change under any vision but your own.

I promise to share developing our home and life together, and not give you a honey-do list while you are gaming. Most of all, I promise to always try my best to be the loving wife you wholeheartedly deserve… as long as your butt stays firm.

Ring exchange / ball and chain exchange

[We exchange light-up plastic rings, and fake ball and chains.]

Samson reads from the Book of Revelations, Chapter 21: Verses 1, 2, 4, 6 and 17, and announces us as husband and wife. For the recessional, we played ‘Love Reign O'Er Me' by The Who, and all guests circle us for group photo.

See the full wedding story over here: