What will I let my groom do?
I've been running into this phrase a lot lately. I understand there's this idea floating around that the wedding is entirely the purview of the woman, and she controls all the minute details. I also know there's a marriage philosophy that states that a woman is in charge of her husband, and has to “train” him to be the good little gofer that she needs to serve her every whim.
Anyone who knows us as a couple knows that if I pulled that domineering girlfriend bit, he'd shut that shit down in a hurry (by respectfully telling me to knock it the fuck off already). As well he should, since I personally don't think it's acceptable to treat your life partner like a three-year-old. We're both fiercely independent people, and our relationship works on a system of allowing each other do to our own thing, after discussing boundaries we can both agree upon.
So am I going to “let” him keep his beard for the wedding?
Since when am I in charge of his facial hair? I love him with his beard, and his beard makes him happy. Why on earth would I make him shave it off just for wedding pictures?
Am I going to “let” him wear a kilt?
And the groom wore a pink flower
…And a beard, and fabulous frames, and a beatific smile: We'll be seeing much more of Dave and his dreads and his fabulous pink flower... Read more
Uh, he doesn't get to decide what I wear, so why should I dictate what he's wearing? We've had a conversation about the vision of our wedding attire, and I expect both of us to follow that vision.
Am I going to “let” him go to Vegas for his bachelor party? Or “let” him go to a strip club?
If I were uncomfortable with these things, I would express my concern and ask him if he would consider something else. But no, I'm not pulling the “you are not ALLOWED to get a lap dance!” Sometimes I watch those wedding shows and literally cringe in horror when a bride crashes the bachelor party and throws a hissy fit in the parking lot.
You're “letting” him plan the ceremony music/pick the menu/figure out the honeymoon flights?
Why yes, I am, because he's a big kid, who's more than capable of making plans. It's not like all his adult-type skills disappear when they are pointed in the direction of A WEDDING.
Many of these questions are coming from friends and family that haven't batted an eye at our offbeat wedding plans. The beard one really threw me for a loop. I guess I figured that if I “allowed” him to have it in real life, it would follow that I was “allowing” it to stay for our wedding.
I think that compromise is bedrock to a good relationship. Therefore, one of us might get to do something the other one isn't really thrilled about or impressed by. And yes, there might be things that I am flat-out not comfortable with him doing. But if that's the case, then as an adult I need to express my concerns and feelings, and let him know how that particular action would effect me and our family. And then he decides if those concerns are enough to keep him from doing said behavior, or if this would be a deal-breaker. Having a hissy fit or giving out ridiculous ultimatums just seems… sad.
AMEN! I cannot stand the fact that in this culture, the media decides to portray (and glorify) the control-freak, overbearing, domineering woman. Want to be a strong, powerful, independent woman? Be big enough to let people make their own decisions and deal with it like an adult.
Well said, littleorangemonkeys.
My groom will have a full beard, is wearing a top-hat and has helped me choose all the clothing and decor for the wedding. He wanted these really cool silver wine glasses for our first toast, totally his pick. I love them.
I get a lot of “Oh he’s helping too? How sweet!” condecending bullsh*t comments from friends (mostly co-workers. My friends are cooler than that.) And it’s getting old. Of course he will have a beard, he’s had one our entire relationship… of course he gets to pick out his clothes… He has to wear them! Of course he gets to choose music, it’s his party too.
Thank you for this article. Totally feeling this right now!
These “Are you letting him…?” questions are totally what leads to the whole equally awful “Doofy husbands” phenomenon:
Fiances: they have to get permission for their facial hair!
Husbands: they can’t do ANYTHING without your help!
This blog and your comment both reminded me of a previous blog, It’s Not About the Mayonnaise: http://offbeatwed.com/2010/12/marriage-mayonnaise
I think they fit well together.
Wow, good memory, I’d totally forgotten about that post! 🙂
I love that episode- the ending is both hilarious and terrifying.
Love this!
Seeing as my guy’s beard is as much a part of him as his nose, I would be mad if he DID shave it for our wedding. Especially since I am his barber, and every element of that beard has been painstakingly crafted just for him. I want to see the man I know and love in those pictures lo many years later, not some “cleaned up version.”
My soon-to-be sister-in-law, on the other hand, told my dude that he WOULD be shaving it for her wedding. Which, by the way, they announced would be held on our first anniversary. Really lady, you couldn’t have picked one of the other 364 days of the year?
She was told in no uncertain terms that she had her head up her ass (she was a bridezilla before she was even engaged – do not care for her much) and her fiancee could have his brother in the wedding, or a clean shaven wedding party. Not both.
On the bachelor party issue, again, he can do what he likes. Although for my first wedding, all of the boys were coming from all over the country, and no one had the wherewithal to put together a party. So I did it. From what I hear, I picked quite a good…dancer…and a blast was had by all. No way I was letting my groom go down the aisle without a hell of a party – unless he didn’t want one, which wasn’t the case there.
If you want a great wedding and a great marriage, it really is as simple as communication and letting your partner be who they are.
It’s funny with the beard. My fiance’s had his since years before we started our relationship, and while I might beg him occasionally to shave it (just once, so I know what he looks like without it) I wouldn’t want him to do it for the wedding.
Because he loves his beard. He feels comfortable and attractive in it. It’s part of his most authentic self, so why should he be asked to be any different at his wedding?
This is exactly me and my guy. He had it when we met, and it used to break me out so bad on my chin for a long time. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind shaving it once, so I could see him without it (since I never had) and so I could get my chin to heal up a bit. Between that and a good facial, it finally went away.
I love his beard and it’s such a part of him, but I’m so grateful that he did do it once for me.
Amen sister.
This kind of thing drove me insane when we were wedding planning! What makes anyone think that I am so controlling? I’m really not his mother or his babysitter.
YES! I get this all the time. “are you going to let him do that?” or the accompanying “you have to make him do this” Excuse me??? WTF??? I’m not his momma. I’m not in charge here. If you have issues with something he’s doing or want him to do something, YOU talk to him! That’s what I do, TALK to him. Then he does what he does. You don’t ask me to control the weather, why would you ask me to control another adult?
“I guess I figured that if I ‘allowed’ him to have it in real life, it would follow that I was ‘allowing’ it to stay for our wedding.”
And how! I feel like people want us to look a certain way on our wedding day, and that’s fine. But I also want us to look like us. And Groom has always had a beard, ever since high school. It would be insane of me to expect him to lose it, just for the sake of some pictures. Especially if the kids we may someday have, wouldn’t recognize the man in these pictures as their father.
THANK YOU! I’ve been weirded out by the whole “the wedding is the brides day” bit. No, folks, not the BRIDES day, the couples day. I love my guy the way he is… why would I force him to change something for the wedding day.
Surprisingly I’ve also gotten it about my wedding party. One of my besties has a buzz cut, she’s nearly bald… AND SHE LOOKS ADORABLE!!!. But I’ve had a couple people say things like “Will you make her grow her hair out/wear a wig?” Umm… no. As a member of my party, she’s one of my best friends. I love her as she is, part of that affection extends to her rockin a buzz cut. I would never make her or anyone I care about change something for one day… because some airhead thinks it will make the pictures weird or take the focus off of me. I got news for you, I have enough confidence to “allow’ people to be themselves and I also realize that as the bride, all eyes are on me (and my groom) regardless.
(and the strip club thing… Hey, my guy is coming home to me… so, I don’t really care.)
Maybe it’s cause you are a Sarah as well; but I completely agree with every word of this. Who gives a flying F if you’re bridesmaid gets a haircut? Isnt that person in your wedding party because they’re important to you? Isn’t that what actually matters about that person to you?!
Totally with you on the bridal party. Shortly after we announced our engagement and I choose my maid o honor, she shaved her hair into a mohawk. AND IT’S FABULOUS! My mom is going bonkers over it. I literally could care less.
My mother asked me if my MOH sister was allowed to get a pixie cut. I still don’t understand why anyone would think they need my permission for that. It’s my sister I want, not her hair.
For real! It’s nice to have our priorities in order!
My fiance’s brother got married last year and I was not invited to be in the wedding party but his sister-in-law did make some demands about the colour of my dress because, as family, I was to sit at the head table. She also dictated the dress style of her mother-in-law, and the vast majority of the aesthetics of anyone and anything else who would listen. The wedding was beautiful, like something from a magazine. And I had a pretty miserable day and felt entirely self-conscious. The tone of that experience really influenced my fiance and I in our plans for our own wedding.
Our dress code is “funky formal” or “wear what makes you feel most fabulous” and we are not asking anyone to match with anyone else. People are asking our permission to wear certain colours or styles and are so surprised when we tell them they don’t have to ask!
I agree with those who said the wedding is not only about the bride and add that it’s not only about the couple for us, either. Yes, our marriage is what is bringing our families and community together… and it’s a day for all of us to be ourselves, feel blessed and have fun!
Funky fabulous sounds absolutely amazing.
Love it!
I have sported bright blue/super short hair for a very, very long time– it’s what I’m comfortable and it’s how people expect me to look at this point, and I swear to the gods, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve gotten “oh….you’re not coming like THAT to our wedding, are you?”, I’d be rich. (Of course I always follow that up with “Of course I won’t be coming like THIS to your wedding…I won’t be attending!”
I can’t imagine telling ANYONE that they can’t be themselves on my wedding day, be it buzz cut, beard, bright blue hair or otherwise! My life…and wedding…will be a celebration of love, and that love includes the love I have for all of my friends’ unique looks, personalities, styles and trends.
The whole point of getting married is announcing to the world that this person, right here with the stubble and mismatched socks, is the one I love and want to be with for the rest of our lives, so why should I have to dictate how he looks/behaves as we legally and publicly join our selves? His opinion is just as valid and wonderful on the wedding front as it was on our first date
My man has stubble and refuses to match his socks too! I love his stubble and mismatched socks, but he is insisting on shaving and wearing ‘good socks’ to the wedding. I keep telling him he doesn’t have to, I love his scruff, but he wants to dress up too. So I have to respect his wishes that he wants to dress up, when I’d rather see him scruffy lol. Doesn’t really matter though, cause I’d marry him in a tux or board shorts, I just want to marry him
I had the issue that my husband wanted to be told what to do, though I felt really wrong telling him. I kept expecting him to pick his cloths, the food etc but he seemed to think I was about to blow in 10 seconds time. I really didn’t have opinion 90% of the time. Took most of the planning for him to get it.
HA! He was just saying the other day, WE should go to the strip club & get me one of them thar lap dances. We can take some couples & make a night of it.
My Mom felt it needed to be mentioned that his friends shouldn’t take him out drinking the night before the wedding. “So he doesn’t look puffy.” When I keep saying, he doesn’t drink. If they did do something, it will probably be a party boat/day of fishing. (And if they do that, I might even be included there also. The boys have been so welcoming, teaching me to fish.)
I did want to keep the ruse going, that he was going to wear shorts & not long pants. But he was right to say if I keep doing that, she’ll feel the need to “talk about it” & when he shows up in a suit, she’ll think it had something to do with it.
+1 to the beard for us also. He manages his own facial hair situation.
Right on. The one part of bachelor parties that needs to go away forever is the night before the wedding thing. No one should be hung over on their wedding day. Two days before, a week before, good to go!
Since I’m bisexual I’ve been thinking of us going to the strip club together 😀 Purely for selfish reasons actually, 1 because none of my ladies would want to go and 2 because one of his men should never be allowed. I think it would be extremely fun, maybe I can convince him 😀
You should do eeet! My man and I go to clubs together sometimes. It’s hella fun!
I’m bi too, so I suggested doing the same thing, followed by video games. I honestly think we’ll have more fun going to a strip club together. Plus, our wedding party is so small and has such similar interests that having two separate “parties” just seems like a waste to me.
I agree with all of these except for the strip club thing. I don’t think you’re being unfair to request that he not go to one, especially if your bachelorette party is not going to be sleazy and feature guys rubbing themselves all over you (the clubs out here are nude and full contact).
I just really did not want to think about some girl 15 years younger than I draped all over my husband the week before what was supposed to be a really romantic day. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t forbid it, but it really put a damper on things once I found out about it after the wedding.
I guess fortunately for me my guy is as horrified by strip clubs as I am – honestly, if he were the sort of guy who was into strip clubs, we would not be in a relationship. If he went to a strip club before our wedding, I’d be tempted to call it off, not because I’m a control freak but because it would be an indication that we weren’t really compatible after all. Fortunately we’ve talked and I know we’re on the same page here.
I think if something makes you uncomfortable, then absolutely you should stand up for yourself. And if it’s important enough to your comfort and happiness, I think you’re completely justified in putting your foot down. So I agree there’s a difference here between objecting to something on moral grounds and ordering your partner around because it’s “your day”…
That is the one thing I forbade. Strippers and sexual services are for single folks in my book. People about to get married in a week are not single – him or me.
Agreed. How many times in the ten years we’ve been together have I been allowed to have a nude guy stimulating me? What’s that, none?
I do feel it’s a form of cheating, especially in some of these places. I read descriptions of the club my husband went to and the girls actually touch their junk and bounce their vaginas on guys’ faces. All the reviewers said they pushed the boundaries of legality. I have a feeling if roles were reversed and I were the one with these options as opposed to my husband, he would not be so cool with it, but there’s such a sexual double standard that I’m not allowed to forbid it for fear of seeming like an uncool mommy. Sorry, as you can tell, I was super pissed and reading about this stuff apparently brings up some issues 🙂
In terms of everything else, he can do what he wants. We have our own lives and hobbies. He goes out of town surfing every weekend, I’m in a band. But I draw the line at the sex stuff.
The author isn’t saying that everyone should be ok with strip clubs, she’s saying “If I were uncomfortable with these things, I would express my concern and ask him if he would consider something else.”
The point here is NOT that everyone should be ok with the same things, but that it should be a respectful discussion between partners, instead of some sort of “mommy/bride grants permission because baby/groom isn’t allowed to make his own decisions.” How YOU draw the lines will depend on you and your partner.
And a gentle reminder: sex workers are people too, and some of them are even planning weddings (and reading this here website). You certainly do not have to like strip clubs or feel ok with your partner going to one, but Offbeat Bride is not an appropriate venue to voice hate toward other women, including dancers. We’re all just doing what we can to make ends meet.
Finally, this: Everybody Calm Down: Nobody Wants to Have Sex With Your Fiancé Anyway
I certainly wasn’t hating on the strippers. Hell, the singer of my band is a stripper and I love her to death. Not sure if your comment was directed at me, but I didn’t read any of the anti-strip club comments as judging the strippers themselves.
Nope, I wasn’t directing it at you. We had to remove some comments from this thread, as well as on Facebook.
I think theres a subtle but important difference between “request that he not go” and denying permission.
Requesting that he doesn’t go to a strip club suggests you make your feelings known and then he decides not to because it’s more important to him that you’re happy and comfortable in your relationship.
The situation described in the original post is, as Ariel said, more like a parent/child relationship – you make the decision for him. You might also tell him why you decided that, but that would come after the decision that been made.
Here, here. I gave no stipulations, other than, “Guys, if you go out the night before, please, PLEASE do not come to the wedding tired, hung-over, cranky, etc. Because I just won’t have the patience to put up with that. Otherwise, do what you will.”
I found out after the fact that my future brother-in-law took my husband to a strip club. My husband is the only one that told me — I told his sister this is what they did, gave her a joking hard time that it was her finance that was pushing it, and she didn’t believe me!!! I’m glad I trust my husband, and I know he’s not into that stuff on a regular basis, and that we have good communication so he could tell me and I didn’t freak out. That said, I was totally weirded out, because that’s really the LAST thing I thought they would do. According to my dude, the others “insisted” he go, which I do believe. Because I was glad he told me, I made sure he knew I was disappointed, but I kept a lid on how pissed I actually was….because I was mostly pissed at the others. I worry for their relationships, if they had to lie about it.
I sort of agree.
But, right now I am more in the “I just don’t want to know” camp. I realize that strip clubs are just part of the whole bachelor party thing… but lap dances are really gross to me. Some girl 10 years younger than me shoving her rack in my fiance’s face? Makes me kind of sad.
To be honest, I don’t think it is my fiance’s thing anyway. He doesn’t even like getting his haircut because he doesn’t like strangers touching him (even hot girls). But, I’d feel weird “forbidding” a strip club… I just don’t want to know. So, he better make sure all the dudes are sworn to secrecy.
I used to be one of those girls ten years younger than yourselves giving out the lap dances.
One thing I did notice was that of the stag nights/bachelor parties we had come through the doors, some of the grooms actually refused lap dances. The guys have their own free will and just because they are in a strip club, doesn’t mean they’re getting the full service. Afterall, a strip club is just another place where there’s alcohol and scantily clad women.
But what I’m trying to say is, these are grown up guys and girls who are capable of making their own decisions
@Sara O’S – Exactly! It goes to what Danikat said above – “make your feelings known and then he decides *not* to because it’s more important to him that you’re happy and comfortable in your relationship.”
That’s what happened in my situation — my husband told me they went, but that he didn’t really want to, and I believe him, because heck, I used to be a dancer too, and he won’t let ME do things like that to him, let alone a stranger! (And that’s really what bugs me the most! lol)
But @SweetPea – be careful with that attitude, just be aware so you don’t get hurt. My brother-in-law didn’t tell my sister-in-law they went because, according to my husband, “She wouldn’t want to know, and would freak out if I told her”, and then flat out denied it to her face after I told her they DID go. Not that this would happen to you, but it could…if you start that whole “I’d rather not know” thing, it could snowball into you getting hurt down the road. It’s probably better in the long run to be open and talk than to start a path of secrets and lies.
@Lenna… I absolutely see your point and thanks for the advice! He is one of the most trustworthy people I know (I picked a good one!), so I don’t foresee us ever being the type of couple that is dishonest with each other (otherwise, I wouldn’t be marrying him).
We have discussed the whole strip club thing before. He knows I am pretty old-fashioned. And I don’t think he is really too interested in going anyway. I don’t really want him to lie to me about it… but more of a don’t ask/don’t tell policy about this one night. I am just trying to find that perfect spot between “I forbid you to go!” (SO not me) and “Oh yea, go ahead, I’m so cool with you going. I am such a cool soon-to-be-wife, aren’t I?” (SO not me either).
My FH is the president of a beard and moustache club. We met through that club. Not only will he have a beard, but the groomsmen will too. Both the flower girl and I will have moustache necklaces on, and we intend to include beards/moustaches as much as possible in our wedding.
Tell me more about this club please! My fiancee has a pretty epic beard, and I am a barber with a beard specialty. Intrigued…
He is president of the Badger State Beard and Moustache Society (we are in Wisconsin). We have meetings and compete in beard competitions. Not many women compete, but a few of us wiskerinas make fake beards and compete against both men and women. It is always a good time because it is just a bunch of beard loving people hanging out and being awesome. If you want, you can look for the club on on Facebook, or look for me (Sarah Landis) and we can hook you up with a club in your area. We are friends with various club s from
… from all over the world. (Stupid phone)
THANK YOU!!!! The idea of “letting” the groom do things grosses me out. We’re both adults, getting married, and so we both do what we want to do to make that day special. I’ve heard and read about all kinds of controlling crazy brides who just let this. Of day get to their heads, and get crazy controlling. It’s disturbing and not a good set-up for an actual marriage. My fiance and I have entered into our wedding planning in the same way we approach our relationship; it’s an equal partnership. I love this post and these comments that tell me I’m not alone in this.
AMEN sister!! AMEN! We were at a cocktail party for work recently (we both work for the same company) and I had this very conversation:
Co-worker: where are you going for your honeymoon?
Me: I have no idea. John is planning it. It’s a surprise to me.
Co-worker: (shocked) You would give up control of that to HIM?
Me: Well, um ya. He wanted to plan it and it’s one less thing I have to worry about.
I mean WTF is that? Give up control? To him. Well obviously. I mean why wouldn’t I trust him to plan a trip. I trust him enough to plan to have and RAISE children with him. I’m sure he can handle a vacation.
Major lolz at the rest of the world. The Boy’s mother asked me if I would “let” him have strippers at his bachelor party, and I said without missing a beat, “Absolutely, if I can have some too!”
That was not the answer she expected. 🙂
*HIGH FIVE*
High five to all the ladies here!
My FH has a rockin’ beard that I LOVE so much on him, he almost always has one (it’s red and his hair is dirty blonde, love it so much!). Of course he can do whatever he wants with his facial hair for the wedding, it’s HIS face. This shit kills me when brides tell their FH’s what to do, wear, etc and don’t include them in the planning!
I have been told it’s YOUR special day, it’s all about you, well people, it’s NOT. It’s about US, since it takes 2 people to have a relationship. Last time I checked, it’s not just a bride that attends the wedding, the groom is there too. And he’s not some dumb idiot that just shows up, he’s part of it all. My FH and I have been doing everything together for the wedding, from deciding on centrepieces to booking the DJ (he picked the DJ and booked it for us). We are a team, and teams work together.
Sorry about the rant there, this stuff drives me nuts.
And the strip club thing, I don’t really love it, I will voice that to him if his brothers decide to take him there (which they will, they are all like 10 years younger than him so LOL) but I won’t tell him he CAN’T go. He can make his own decisions, and chances are, since he cares about me and doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable, he won’t go. 🙂
My man has had his beard since highschool, thats a long time to never shave.
He has also had his mates (one of whom just had the most overly WIC wedding where she even edited his SPEECH!!) telling him that he cant do XYZ because otherwise I wont love him. Honestly, he gets more of the “she wont let you’s” than I get of the “you let him do what?!”
Him: I dont want to shave for the wedding is that ok?
Me: WTF! Why would you even think that! If you DID shave for the wedding I wouldnt even recognise you.
Him: Is it ok if I wear something cool, or does that make you look bad?
Me: Theres nothing you could wear that will make me look bad.. who told you this shit?
Him: I wanna have my own big arrival
Me: Cool, how you gonna do that?
Him: I was thinking I”d ride up on a donkey.. do you mind?
Me: If you can convince someone to lend you a donkey that they will let a strangley dressed man in a funny hat “ride to his wedding” be my guest. But if you get a donkey, I totally get something better than a short stroll across the beach.
Him: But you get the car!
Me: We’re getting married on the beach, no one will see the car! I want a donkey too!
Him: I dont want a party for my bachelors.. I wanna do something like a golf day.
Me: Are you sure? Maybe you should party AFTER the golf day?
Him: Nah, they’ll just drag me to a strip club
ME: yeah, but thats the point.. you’ve never been! This is your last chance.. free boobies!
Him: yeah.. maybe we should have a party.. but no strippers – I like your boobies the best!
Me: Aww, your so sweet.
Guys get it every bit as bad as we do ladies
I’ve been getting the same questions/demands from friends, co-workers, and family ever since we got engaged. Personally, I love my guy’s facial hair, although sometimes I do wish he would trim it up a bit. 🙂
My only comment to him was that if he were to do anything with it, that he would trim it up a bit just so it looks a little cleaner. BUT I left the ultimate decision up to him, as it is his facial hair after all. I wouldn’t expect him to tell me how to wear my hair on the big day!
For some reason I get this a lot. Maybe because in some ways we’re very different people and don’t make any effort to hide it whereas some people seem to think once you’re a couple you have to agree on everything, all the time.
But there always seems to be someone who wants to know if I approved his new hair style or how I persuaded him to “let me” get a new tattoo.
I can somewhat understand it from his mother because she is fairly old fasioned and has very set ideas on what men are supposed to care about and decide and where women overrule them, but when it comes from anyone else it always throws me.
Especially when they’re talking about individual appearance. Yes obviously our relationship is partially build on physical attraction, but it is only a part and if the whole thing was so fragile that something as minor as a new hair style was a problem for me I don’t think we’d have ever gotten as far as getting married. It’s his body, he can make it look however he wants.
My husband to be has been super involve with the wedding planning so far – he’s the one who designed our invites!
He’s wearing cowboy boots, I hope he has his beard, and I was all cool with him wearing a ball cap at the reception, but his mom won’t have it.
The only thing I vetoed was him wearing a powder blue suit…because it makes me think of dumb and dumber.
Haha, I vetoed s purple suit because his initial sketch looked like Willy Wonka and the “improved” version was literally Heath Ledgers Joker costume.
Well, I say vetoed, I think I said “You are not wearing that!” and he agreed that everyone already thinks he’s mad, he doesn’t need to confirm it.
(In the end he wore a black and red suit and looked badass, but a lot saner than either of those two.)
I get a lot of incredulous “You’re letting him ____?!” questions because we’re having a geek-themed wedding and people either assume it’s all for him or can’t believe he’s interested in wedding planning. Even people I thought knew me well enough to know I’m as into the geek theme as he is…
Why is the idea of partnership, and having a wedding be about both the bride AND the groom’s personalities, so strange?
I can’t deal with my fiance withOUT a beard, lol. He looks 12.
His mother once despaired of his kilt fascination, too. ‘No girl is going to want to marry you in a kilt’. Uh, what? If they don’t want to marry a man in a kilt, they don’t want HIM. Period. It’s part of who he is.
Hah! I was asked by fiance’s (now husband’s) grandmother if he was going to shave for the wedding. I was completely taken aback! He’s had a full beard for over seven years…why in seven hells would he shave for the wedding?? Silliness.
Yes! It’s so refreshing to hear that I’m not the only one who trusted my now husband to not only take care of himself, but to also help make some of the big decisions. Every time I would hear the phrase that it’s “all about the bride” or “it’s all about what YOU want (as the bride), it would take all of my willpower not to yell obscenities back at the person. At the beginning, I had plenty of dignified responses to pass off their comments. But towards the end, the shear amount of people saying it was driving me up the wall. Particularly when the comments were coming from his family, who really should have respected his role in the whole affair.
At the end of the day, I think he planned more of our wedding than I did. And while we did set some basic guidelines on what we were wearing, he definitely got the final say on his outfit.
Yes, it can definitely be a lot harder to plan a wedding when you both have differing opinions on certain things. But at the end of the day, you compromise, and you end up with a wedding that is uniquely BOTH of you, not just one.
I’d be angry if my partner shaved his beard just for our wedding. His beard suits him and he loves having it. (Long story, but crazy ex of his wouldn’t allow him to have a beard…what a fuckwit she was)
I want his input with the wedding, I hate that whole “It’s the BRIDES day” Get fucked. It’s OUR day. We will do whatever the hell WE want.
He wants have a bucks day/night thingy. He actually said to me, I wanna do a day thing as I don’t want to be dragged to the dirty strippers with my idiot mates. I don’t care if he did end up there either. But people seem to think there is something wrong with me because I think it’s okay. Ugh.
I wholeheartedly admire your attitude towards equality, which will surely lead to a healthy marriage where both sides of the family are valued too … like it used to be. x
Well I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted my FH to wear. He however has emphatically said no, but hasn’t filled that void with any suggestions! I mean once he comes up with something he genuinely wants, of course he’ll get to do that, but until then he should at least consider my ideas. The best success I’ve had so far is a bribe of whiskey (served that evening), to get him inside a suit hire shop.
I might get some flak here….but I put my foot down and am refusing to let him wear what he originally wanted to wear: his work uniform. He’s a game warden, which is like an outdoor cop. Great, I love it, I’m proud of his job….but I’ve also seen from other “warden wives” that the husband’s job easily overshadows HER identity. I’ve met many who don’t introduce themselves as, “Hi, I’m Jane, I work as a microbiologist.” Instead it, “Hi, I’m Jane. My husband is Warden Smith.”
Anyway, it’s very important for me to remain autonomous from HIS job, even though I know I’m marrying his career as much as I’m marrying him. I want to emphasize that this wedding is Evan and Jamie, not Warden LastName and Wifey. Besides, I wear a uniform too (animal control for a small city police dept.), so why should his job be highlighted but not mine? Nope, I’m taking off the uniform to dress up (A dress! I never wear dresses!), I want him to do the same.
The big thing that I’m “letting” him do? Choose the location of the ceremony. The reception is at my parents’ house, and I’d just as soon get married there as well. But, he wanted to get married down by the river so that he can arrive by boat. This opens up a whole slew of complications: how do we get people from the parking area to the river for the ceremony, and then back again? (Answer: hay wagon shuttle.) Who can we get to drive the tractor pulling the hay wagon that isn’t already going to be needed somewhere else. Should we do two shuttles to make the move faster after the ceremony? If so, who can drive the second tractor? We can’t use the same chairs for the ceremony as the reception, so do we rent two sets? How is the bridal party going to make an entrance? What if it rains? What about black flies?
Having the ceremony down there will undoubtedly be very pretty and memorable….but it sure does complicate things. In any case, “letting” him choose the location for the ceremony makes up a little for putting my foot down on the uniform thing.
That whole perpetuation of the “bridezilla” attitude extends so much farther than just the groom, too.
My sister-in-law was badgering me for months about if I was sure I was okay with ‘letting’ her show her half-sleeve tattoo. OF COURSE I WAS, considering I was going to be showing off my own tattoos, as were others in the wedding party. She kept offering to cover it with makeup for me, which is just eww!
And then my cousin, who was doing a reading, was torn about which dress to wear, because one was ivory, and would I ‘let’ her wear it?
It’s funny, how even though these people all know me to be an easy-going person 100% of the rest of the time, they expected me to turn into this stereotypical wedding control freak temporarily.
I got so tired of saying, “PEOPLE! I TRUST YOU! JUST BE YOURSELVES!” It’s like I had a giant sign on my forehead that said ‘LIAR!’ or something. It just never sunk in that I meant it.
He hasn’t seen my dress and I haven’t seen the custom suit he had made, it’s our little twist on the tradition and honestly it’s brought a little excitement to it.
My mom was seriously dumbfounded when I said I was waiting on him to get through with finals to make some of the last decisions, my response, “it’s his wedding too!” Oh how far we’ve come, progress rocks!
My FH has always had a beard and probably will always have a beard. He shaved it off once and it was just weird, like he cut an arm off or something. He’ll trim it neatly, clean up the neck-beard, but the beard proper is staying. As for him going to a strip club, he can do that whenever the hell he wants. I happen to know very well what happens in strip clubs and there is nothing to be afraid of. He’s not going to run off with a stripper or grope her or anything, there are strict rules about such things. He can get all the titties in the world in his face for all I care so long as he tips them nicely.
Wait a second, beards aren’t wedding friendly? I don’t get it, aren’t beards all distinguished and what not? Well, I hope my brother-in-law’s fiancee doesn’t expect The Musician to shave his off, cause he’s just going to give her that look and I’ll just laugh.
**registered as kenny zilla so we’ll see how that goes**
pre-everything transguy, but I have a mixed feeling about all this, my fiancee is a planner, she’s a receptionist and a worrier so it’s in her blood now to make sure things run smoothly, she books flights and hotels for people so of course a list as simple as ‘maybe’ ‘no’ and ‘they better come’ should be easy for her…
I am more carefree, I’m not lazy, I just try not to panic about little things, try being the key word. I ruined a 70 year old antique hutch yesterday because I decided, fortune favours the bold and to get on that! I am under the impression that things work themselves out, things will get better or they won’t and by then we’ll have new things to worry about. I wanted this wedding before we were dating, I want to get married on a pirate ship with a princess, I have always wanted this. I was always told I could never have this, then I realized I wasn’t just someone without money, I was a queer kid without money and a bit hard to love. I’m so happy that she’s ‘letting’ me wear a frock coat, but I can’t wear a dress and a suitsuit isn’t me. I’m glad she’s ‘letting’ me pick most of the songs. I’m glad she hasn’t shut down my buying little nautical things off ebay and etsy, and creating the invitations in photoshop as a quick mock up. I’m way more hands on than I expected to be. I’m so superstitious that I haven’t looked at her dress pattern yet, but I did pick up her clutchbag when I was in china town. I am not allowed to invite my one ex because he may be some kind of sociopath. I am not allowed to whistle the kill bill wedding theme. I just think we have a weird dynamic. I do ask ‘is it okay if–‘ like an abused puppy or ‘I’m thinking–‘ but wearing doc martens to look slightly neovictorian but not 6 yr old birthday pirate is a choice I can’t make on my own. I am pretty sure I’m going to cut the cake with a sword, but I can’t macguiver it out of a halloween costume and a cheap cake knife, and a lot of hot glue. I wish more guys could be excited, I don’t know how to make it more fun for them.
i want my FH to look exaclty like himself on our wedding day….if he shaved, cut his hair and wore a suit, he would not be marrying me as himself….just as im not wearing a big white dress and he wouldnt expect me too!
really dotn care what anyone else thinks..and am now enjoying the raised eyebrows when i say..”oh yeah I think he’s decided what to wear, he’s probably going to wear shorts!”
By his own admission and words, my FH thinks he looks like a chinless wonder without his goatee! So why would he shave it off to then worry all day about the photos! Apparently yesterday his mum asked if he was planning on shaving it as he “looks so much nicer clean-shaven” WTF? I am gonna be self-conscious enough for the both of us without adding his fears to the mix.
I think he looks great with or without said goatee, but I am secretly pleased he wants to grow it longer ZZTop style!!!
It seems to me that a lot of these control things can be said to come down to trust – don’t trust him to make good decisions, don’t trust him to behave in a manner respectful to his soon-to-be wife, that we feel the need to micromanage all these little things. If you don’t have trust, should you really be having a wedding?
It’s funny to me that no one thought my future husband would want to be included on the plans. I picked the type of suite, but he helped find the hotel. He told me the dress was beautiful before I hunted it down. He “okayed” my wedding shoes. We both picked our favorites for the buffet’s menu. I could go on and on, but what it comes down to is that it is just as much my wedding as it is his. The only thing I’m not okaying is his unkempt mustache. If he can make it look presentable for the wedding, he can keep it. But the chances of that are slim to none.
Agreed! So far, my fiance and I have been planning everything together. He said right out from the beginning that he wanted to wear a top hat, so…he’s wearing a top hat! And we’re going with a semi-Victorian feel because we both love Sherlock Holmes (and the era in general)! He also had a great idea for building our cake toppers, so…he’s going to create them!
However, I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of having a stripper or going to strip clubs, so that’s the one thing I’ve “told” him he can’t do. Luckily, he isn’t comfortable with that either (though we think his Best Man might have different ideas), but even if he were I feel like I’d be within my rights to reject that option. My guy’s not single and we’re not polyamorous, so why should he have someone grinding on him JUST because we’re getting married? He’s already in a committed “monoamorous” relationship.
I know the whole stripper thing wasn’t the focal point of the original article, but I wanted to put in my own two cents. 🙂
Agreed! I’ve had friends tell me to cut my FH’s hair and beard, like I would (or could) change the way he looks. I want him to look like himself, even if he’s scruffy. And let him go to a strip club? I’ve encouraged it! I want everything wedding to be fun and his choice. No fear of the dreaded bridezilla.
All I’m asking of my soon to be husband is to clean up his facial hair a bit for the big day. Cause right now, it is just growing wild. He actually likes having it, so I would feel bad about asking him to shave it all off. While I do love him smooth faced from time to time, his facial hair does make him look more grown up. He has such a baby face without it. I did, however, ask him to wear his hair down for the ceremony. That man has prettier hair than most women I know and it is already half way down his back.
I don’t know why some women get all controlling over wedding planning. I want him as involved as possible. It is OUR wedding after all. He and his groomsmen are all wearing kilts in the traditional manner. His call. And he has had tons of say as far as location, food, music, decorations and just about anything else I can convince him to help me with. I’m stressed out enough with demands and freak outs from our families about how the ceremony is being done. Anything that he is willing to take on is just one less thing for me to pull my hair out about.
As for the bachelor party, that was all his decision. And he wants all his buddies to go out shooting. Which is fine by me, because neither of us has ever been to a strip club and I want to buy his first lap-dance. It’s my privilege as a wife. 🙂 Besides, he didn’t have a say on what us ladies would be doing for my party. We’re going to see a Drag Show!
I have to say this is ridiculous. Like all of you why in the world would someone feel the need to be that demanding and add all that stress to their life. My FI doesn’t have a beard, he can’t because of work, but I want him to be himself, not some warped version. I don’t like being told what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup so I’m sure and hell not going to go crazy domineering on him for wanting the same freedoms.
Some of y’all mentioned wedding party having similar questions come up and I have to say on that not I was so sad when the first thing that all my BMs asked was do we need to grow our hair or cut it, color or not color it, etc. I looked at them like they were crazy – why would I care?
I’ve also had a number of people asking if I was going to let people do things like . . . pick their own dresses (BMs), do I really not care if they are all the exact same color, you’re not going to make all the guys wear the same thing, (my nerdy moment one) are you really going to let him (FI) the Hobbit the day before the wedding, don’t you have other things that you need/want him to do (no b/c I’m going too -wtf). That one has come about a loooot and it makes no sense! who the hell cares we are having a night wedding and as adults I’m pretty sure we’ve been staying up til 3 am for a good many years and are quite capable of making our own plans and decisions. If he wants to go to a strip club so be it, if he wants to go see the hobbit instead more power to him, someone needs to explain to me why other people care about this stuff.
It is ridiculous how many people pushes the “your special day” crap. It isn’t “my day,” it is for both of us and everyone that we choose to share that with. Yes I’m a picture snob, but that doesn’t mean that you manipulate people to get those “special pics” I want to remember having an amazing day and celebrating our lives together with all our friends and family in whatever way we deem appropriate. I don’t think that changing anyone is acceptable. I want my really friends there not some wedding party robots that are afraid that they need to ft into some preconceived idea.
Beautiful! Enough said. 🙂
I just want to say thanks for all these wonderful comments and the space to discuss difficult and complex stuff that comes with heteronormative-ish weddings. Im like a year late to this thread but it’s giving me a lot of solace.
The whole stripper/sexytimes stag party stuff is baffling. Strippers, FHs etc are all grown-ups, and shouldnt be berated or belittled because the moral compass is different for everyone. But no less valid. So fair enough & a comforting point.
I just want to add to the conversation that women who feel conflicted about strippers/sex industry/porn might be having their view reduced to a “personal opinion” somewhere along the lines. As in, “I dont want him to go to a stripper, but that’s my personal opinion and he can do what he wants”…
There may be a politics to women’s position on strippers etc as well. I dont quite know how to articulate this, as it’s such a complicated notion cut with deep feelings of love, anxiety, etc. But there are larger reasons why some brides may or may not support the sexy lapdance stag do. I worry that losing sight of this bigger picture is a bit disempowering, and distorts resistence to porn culture as mewling complaint or possessiveness (as in the fine lead article). Or worse, as an individual choice with no real, I dont know, substance.
Or something 🙂
I got a lot of the same questions and it absolutely baffled me. First of all, my husband has had facial hair of some kind since we met when I was fifteen. He’s had the beard pretty much the entire time we’ve together. I’m not even sure I would recognize his baby face without it anymore! OF COURSE he kept it!
His best man actually came up to me while I was at the grocery store one day and asked for my permission to take him to a strip club for the bachelor party. Sweet gesture, I guess, but I couldn’t really give less of a shit what they do. I trust him otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. I’m sure my girlfriends and I will probably do something just as bad when it comes around to that. (My MOH, bridesmaid, and I were all pregnant and didn’t get to do a “bachelorette party” so we’re doing a “Night off” from the husbands once our babies are here and we can stand to let them go.)
I don’t understand how some women can be so controlling of “their men”. If I tried to tell my husband what to do with his life or his body he’d laugh at me. If I did half the stuff I see women do on television, I’d be divorced. It’s ridiculous.