Love is not just a feeling, but a devoted practice: Wedding reading & vows for folks who get attachment theory

We featured Thomas & Julie's Spanish olive farm wedding, and also wanted to share their profound wedding reading. The reading was adapted from the work of Heidi Priebe and Jillian Turecki, and is extra juicy for folks who understand how our attachment issues play out in adult relationship:

To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.

To love someone long-term is to accept their humanity. Their nuance, depth, limitations, and complexity.

To love someone long-term is to be brave. It takes courage to work through problems. It takes courage to love someone who you could lose. It takes courage to break patterns.

To love someone long term is to understand that they will change. And so will you. And if you’re not growing together, you’re growing apart.

To love someone long-term is to be an advocate for what you need so that you don’t become resentful.

To love someone long-term is to be aware of the ego. To know how much it needs to be right. Then keeping it in check so it doesn’t sabotage the relationship.

To love someone long-term is to be challenged. Challenged to communicate more effectively, to be vulnerable, to listen, and to give love when you’re not in the mood. It’s to be challenged to become a more patient, self-aware person.

To love someone long term is to take responsibility for the emotional tone we bring into the relationship. It’s to commit to not being a continuation of their past suffering, and instead become a collaborator in their healing. 

Anyone can fall in love. But to love someone long-term is to recognize that love is not just a feeling, but a devoted practice.

But what about the vows?

And as long we're at it, let's also share Thomas & Julie's vows, which are equally lovely…

Julie’s Vows

I feel so lucky to be standing here, in our own little piece of paradise, together with you, and some of my other favorite people. I truly am the most myself when I’m with you. No matter how weird, inscrutable, or a little bit mean I can be, you make me feel seen, understood, and adored for exactly who I am. You are the most wonderful man I have ever met. You are smart, and warm, incredibly funny, especially for a German, and of course a very sexy dancer. You show up. Always. You are present, committed, and show me over and over again you are willing to do the work. You are unwaveringly supportive, uplifting, and the very best teammate in life. You are so easy to love, and you make me feel like I am easy to love, too. 

On one hand, I sometimes wish we met sooner, so we had had more time together. More adventures, more dates, more tennis matches, more Aperol spritzes at the playground, more inappropriately dirty jokes. But on the other hand, I’m so grateful we met when we did, because if we met any sooner I don’t think we had yet developed the emotional infrastructure to make this relationship what it is; calm, joyful, dedicated, and healthy. Finding each other later means, too, that we don’t feel the need to conform to anyone else’s idea of marriage. We feel free to create our own idea of a beautiful life together, and every day we spend building it is a profound gift. Thank you, I love you so much. Let’s keep doing this.

While we are already technically married, it means so much to me to speak my vows to you, outloud, in the presence of the people most likely to hold me accountable to them, and to support and elevate me when I fall short of them. We will never be perfect, but these vows represent the wife I aspire to be, and the marriage I aspire to have with you.

I vow to be the most generous, loving mirror to reflect your light back to you. When you tell me how to love you better, I promise to listen.

I commit to fostering a marriage where we become even more ourselves and not lose ourselves in the relationship. 

I promise to never stop working on myself, so that you always get the best version of me. But I also promise to stay just a little bit mean, so you never get too comfortable. 

I vow to spread out my emotional needs onto my community so that you never have to bear the weight of being my everything.

I commit to cheering you on through both struggles and achievements, to always support your growth, and always hold space for you to be the person you are meant to be. 

I promise to always do all the planning when we travel, and always grab your ass when you bend over. To be silly together, and serious too, when the circumstances require it. 

As the German poet and writer Christian Morgenstern said:

“Nicht da ist man daheim, wo man seinen Wohnsitz hat, sondern wo man verstanden wird.”

Bei dir bin ich daheim. Und ich verspreche dir, dass du bei mir immer daheim sein kannst.

[Translation: “Home is not where you live, but where you are understood.” I am at home with you. And I promise that you can always be at home with me.]

Thomas’ Vows

The first moment I saw you at Frankfurter Tor, me proudly wearing my “German sandals outfit,” which nearly red-flagged me I know. That’s why I let you choose my outfit today. However, you smiled, and I will never forget this smile. How much I love this smile; it spurs me, it makes me want to make you laugh, and seeing you laughing gives me comfort and security, even if it is often at my expense.

You looked astonishing that day in your red jacket, (stolen from your daughter), and you always will. For you are amazing and beautiful, beautiful and amazing. And your look, of course, is killing today.

I also remember that I walked you over the Oberbaumbrücke, (that’s a bridge for the non-Berliners), because I thought you were scared of riding over water in a train (our first of many funny misunderstandings). There was acceptance, and curiosity in that moment, and it stayed, and became something more, it turned into loving our neurodiverse world and lives, it turned into loving you.

Talking about curiosity, here are my Vows & Promises.

I promise to keep doing my sexy dances for you, even if it takes a walking stick in years to come.

I promise I will try to book my own flights and adapt to an internet bound world.

I promise to try to embrace the mess the kids create in the house.

Even so, if anything happens, I promise to take care of Nova and Tully. There will always be a harbor, when hopefully their ships will be sailing the world. There will always be a harbor for you, too, Jules, whatever the future brings.

I vow to twist and turn our lives, to keep our journey interesting. And I know it will be. I mean, I know the woman I’m marrying.

I love you.