My New Year's resolution is to shut my mouth about my wedding. Here's why…
Oddly, I know for most people that it is family that gives them a hard time over choices, but in my case it's my friends. Not that anyone is saying “OH! You can't do that!” — they would never do that — they just are all trying to be so “helpful” that they keep wanting me to take things to another level I don't want to go to.
Examples:
Friend 1: Oh, are you going to do rose petals down the aisle outside like I did? It's so pretty!
Me: No, it's a garden, I want to let the living flowers decorate and just go with that.
Friend 1: Oh, you have to though. I'll bring some.
Me: Grrrrrrr.
Friend 2: I have tons of extra sparkly crystals to put around your centrepieces. They're so pretty!
Me: Well, we kind of have this '40s wartime vintage thing happening — they don't really work.
Friend 2: Oh, but you'll love them, remember how sparkly my tables were?
Me: Grrrrr.
Now, my wedding isn't until September, so I know I can talk them down on the specifics they've all dreamed up so far, but I am going on a wedding-talk-shut-down until we get way way closer to the wedding, and everything is done. But, from now on when anyone asks, I'm going with the, “Oh, I want there to be some surprises, we are keeping a bunch of stuff to ourselves!” with a big smile and a change of subject.
I’m with you! Had a similar conversation about veils and flowers last week. My snarky responses got me nowhere. I will do my best to keep my mouth shut as well – luckily I only have until April.
Jeff’s sister offered mirrors for the center of our tables, because she was “just going to sell them”. I knew it was not our look, so I told her that I really didn’t think we would have a use for them and to go ahead and sell them to some other lucky bride. Luckily it was the last I heard of the mirrors…
But this is a good reminder to me, the been-there-done-that-have-all-the-supplies bride, not to insist on sharing…
I hear ya sista’-I love my sister/maid of honor and best friend but they are very traditional right down to photo poses, rose boquets and dresses. My mother is upset that my father isn’t going to “give me away” my FH and I have lived together for 9 years and have a son. I’m pretty sure I am a big girl that can “give” myself away.
Ho, buddy, I understand this. I told my best friend I planned on getting married in black because it’s the color I’m most comfortable in, and her jaw dropped. She could accept not getting married in white, but going all the way to black was just a little too much.
Then again, what else could I expect from the pink frilly one? Our fashion sense is about as different as could be.
I’m thinking I vaguely remember the “little house” books that Laura Ingalls ended up getting married in a black dress for practical reasons… maybe you can use that convince you friend that white dresses were not always the only ‘traditional’ choice…
First off, your friends sound really sweet! Secondly, I think your plan is a good one. An alternative would be to preface every wedding comment with “I’m not really looking for suggestions here, just smile and nod” 😀
It looks funny!
Very nice blog. Happy new year to everyone from Italy!
Ha ha, isn’t it funny how people want to give you stuff from their wedding when it’s your wedding and not their’s. You had your wedding it was beautiful and uniquely you, now let me have mine please. Sell what you don’t need as you suggested.
Yeah good idea about keeping it a surprise, it will make more sense for them to see it all together and appreciate your vision. Keep the creative juices flowing.
My bridesmaid called me cheap when I told her the maids were carrying lanterns instead of flowers. To my face, she called me cheap. My mother always told me you handle a womanizer with a baseball bat; say “I am not interested and I will never be interested. Evar.” I’m thinking this may be a good approach with people like this, too. “Thanks for the suggestion, but I am not interested, and I will never be interested.”
My MoH called my whole wedding nasty and cheap (along with some other horrible words), because I wanted simplistic invitations, as opposed to what she wanted to design for me; triple folded, embossed, crazy expensive ones. It started a series of arguments that resulted in the end of our friendship. You’ve got the right idea there – “I am not interested, and I will never be interested.”
I’ve had the same issues with my mother in law to be. Very rude and disrespectful to me and her son.
Hmm, now I’m trying to imagine a wedding (at least decor-wise) where a bride didn’t say no, so everyone contributed something random. Flower petals down the aisle! Crystal sparkly tables! Bunting and ribbons and snowflakes! Plastic flower / real flower / Star Wars centerpieces! Linen tablecloths and bedsheet tablecloths! It could end-up a horrible mess, but it could also end up kitschy-awesome…
… and super cheap!
just a reminder there is a difference between “offer” and “insisting” – I may offer you something just so you know it is available and your polite “thanks, I’d love that” or “no, thank you” is just fine.
it’s different when people insist, such as the friend who said “You have to though. I’ll bring some” – the best response is “please don’t” – to which can be added “I have something perfect in the works” or “so-and-so is handling that and I know they have a great plan” or whatever works to put an end to the topic.
if you have it covered and want no help, tell people you’ve got it all decided and deposits have been made – the $ usually seals the deal.
If you have helpful family or friends, you might email them a list of things you are looking for and if they have them, a good time to drop them off and where. you can specify you are looking ONLY for the items on the list at this time. *be sure to ask if the items have to be returned or say plainly that you only want items that do not have to be returned. anything that has to be returned, must be clearly labeled – make that their job, you have enough to do!*
Weddings used to involve people in your family or community bringing out their best things to contribute to the celebration and for many, that spirit lives on.
be glad people think enough of you to want to help make your wedding amazing!
I haven’t had people offering me things, because none of my friends have been married. But as the first one (of my close group) to be married, I’m still getting a lot of “oh… really?! You want That? Oh. Well, that’s…fine. Are you sure?” and etc. Now that this has happened a few times, I’ve decided to keep my ideas to myself, and speak in generalities for the most part. Also: my friends were a bit miffed that I didn’t invite them dress shopping and would like to come to the fitting. I’m now confident that there really should be some surprises, and that it’s really just best to be judicious about what I involve them in.
Ha! I already had one of those comments and I’ve only been engaged for a week! My fiance and I have known for ages (way before he proposed) that we wanted to have our first dance to Apocalyptica’s version of ‘Nothing Else Matters’. When I excitedly told my Mom and played it for her, her response was, “There aren’t any words? *pause* It’s so dreary and depressing sounding.”
:'(
That is a beautiful, compelling song! Great choice!
Thank you! Both of us love it so much, we’ll use it no matter what!
On the day, the happy looks on your faces while you dance mihgt distract her.
I learned the hard way with my first wedding to stick to my guns- so my well meaning but tres pushy sister didn’t get her way when she kept insisting that we have shimmery favor bags. We will have a small sign at each table telling guests to please take the folding fans and flowers/vases with them as a memento.
I keep trying to get the Mr. to understand the concept of surpising people with things but he keeps telling people what we’re planning and those people have big mouths. He says that the wedding party should at least know all the details and I say no they shouldn’t. It’s partially because I don’t want their opinions getting mixed in on what we should do with our day…that we’re paying for…and partially because I want people to be surprised by what we’ve come up with.
I know this is an older post but I just wanted to thank you for – “Oh, I want there to be some surprises, we are keeping a bunch of stuff to ourselves!” – this sentence will save my life!
I had to shut down Boy’s continual FB posts of “here are the save the dates!” “working on wedding stuff” because we were getting the “can’t wait for my invite” and “I’ll make your cake, message me!” comments. We made a instagram for the wedding and as people get invited they find out about it and will be able to have a little more access to the planning process without including the eeeeentire FB list.
We realized the same thing after very similar “helpful” people commenting on our plans, but also more aggressive people saying, “oh, you cant do that…” “We’ll you have to do this, why arnt you doing that ..” “Thats not very wedding like..” We learnt to not share any details, as i was getting very frustrated and upset about it. As sad as it is not to be able to have nice chit chat with friends, family and colleagues. Its really help with my own peace of mind, and not having doubt with my vision of the day.