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So, we were sent a wedding trend report press release, and half of it was slightly interesting and the other half was just full of WTF-ery. Most notably this little gem:
Wedding Food
In: Global meats
Out: Bacon, bacon, bacon
“Lean global meats like goat, kangaroo, antelope and horse will be big,” predicts [name redacted], whose clients include Will Smith, Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin.
Of course, after we giggled over the term “global meats,” Ariel took it to our readers — “According to a press release we just got, ‘global meats' is the hot new wedding trend. GLOBAL MEATS!!” — hilarity ensued. Here are a few of our favorite exchanges:
Amanda: Only the jet-settingest meats will do!
Ariel: I gotcher GLOBAL MEAT right here, ladies. (Yeah, I said it)
Caroline: I think I'll stick with agoraphobic veggies.
Laura: I smell a new Pinterest board! (Seriously. You can smell it!)
Ariel: Dude you guys: eating goat flesh out of a mason jar is SO hot right now.
Sariah: We're importing only the finest antelope from the Savannah a la Lion King for our wedding!
Sarah: ”Now remember, Simba. When we die, our bodies become the grass. And the antelope eat the grass. Grass-fed antelope is all the rage right now in those American weddings. Thus continues the Circle of Life.”
Megan: If I get another wedding invitation with a menu selection of “chicken or steak” I'm gonna cross it out and write “global meats or GTFO!”
Stefanie: because nothing says i love you like eating animals you might find in a zoo
And, come on guys, global meats as a trend? Really?
(Be sure to check out our takes on OTHER wedding trends.)
About the Author: Megan Finley Horowitz
When Megan's not writing, traveling, and sleeping, she's eating like the fate of the world depends on it. (You're welcome, world!) You can snoop into her personal life over on her website The Dash and Dine!
“global meats” just makes me think about the butcher shop montage from “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” Harriet… Harr-I-et… Hard hearted harbinger of haggis.”
you stole my heart and my cat.
When I had that headline, I legitimately could not even begin to fathom what they meat by “global meats”. The explanation somehow managed to leave me more vexed.
AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT KELLY RIPA EATS HORSE?
Um, whut? It is illegal to sell or procure horsemeat for human consumption in the US – in part because we have a complex pet/livestock cultural view of horses, but primarily because THERE IS NO MANDATORY WITHDRAWAL PERIOD FROM MEDICAL TREATMENT prior to slaughter for horses in the US, like there is with other livestock. So, unlike your pig, cow, or chicken that makes it onto your plate you have no guarantee that a horse steak is not still harboring drugs that are bad for humans. (Of course, some people might rightly point out that there are plenty of legal things that legal livestock might still have in their meat that are also bad for people even with the wthdrawal period for other livestock.)
I was also rather perplexed by this announcement, as per above. Clearly whoever the trendsetter is that was quoted above needs to do some homework before he or she sources their meat. Yikes!
While I find eating the rest of those “meats” strange and totally out of my “localvore” diet, goat is actually quite good. I’ve bought it from local farmers and made curries. I also have eaten goat confit, out of a jar, from a high-end, trendy “green” restaurant.
And to think that my “theme” is local, farmers market. I’m so “last year”.
I’ve never commented on this site before, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a Farmers Market wedding! That sounds like a really fun time. I hope it’s amazing for you!
This had me giggling no end! 😀
Goat is nothing special. Nor is kangaroo or any other venison.
Why does the writer need to “drop names” to give their wtfery gravity?
They want you to recognize that this is no ordinary fuckery. No, their asshat has been blessed by people with real experience in fuckery. Plus they invested all their money in frozen unicorn steaks and if they don’t move them soon, they’re going to lose their shirts.
You have no idea how much my FFIL and Hubby will actually want to try these.
Oh please, OBB, do share the other bits of WTF-ery! If they make me laugh even half as hard as GLOBAL MEATS, I’ll be rolling on the floor.
LoL, I found an article talking about the wedding trends of 2012 online. Definitely good for a laugh. Apparently, it’s also in to have a bride roast video rather than a choreographed dance. Who in the world would want to be made fun of on their wedding day? It’s like, sure! I’d love for you guys to make fun of my bridezilla moments until I cry. :rolls eyes: tehe
A lot of people enjoy having roasts done. For couples where humor is a big part of their lives, especially if one is a comedian, something like this would hold a lot of meaning for them. I know my fiance for one would love to have a roast of the two of us done and I know how to laugh at myself. We’re also not big on dancing so this is something that would be more “us.”
I completely agree with this, and am surprised a “roast” is now a trend when it seems to happen pretty often at toasts no matter what! As someone who lives a life of humorous self-deprecation, I find the idea of a roast fantastic… perhaps a bride roast followed by a kangaroo roast?
I was at my (now ex) boyfriend’s sister’s wedding a number of years back and the best man and maid of honor roasted the bride and groom. It was awful. I was standing next to her father while it was happening and all he kept saying was “I didn’t need to know that”. It was so embarrassing. I even felt embarrassed for the couple and their family.
For me, I have told my family that I do not want to be roasted and that there are certain subjects that are off limits. I think they will respect my wishes.
Well gee, everyone knows only meats from six time zones away are worth serving to your guests. If your entree doesn’t have a new stamp on its passport, it’s not worthy.
Also: pretty sure I first saw this on OB Home, but here’s a way to make “fantasy meats” a reality…
http://www.geekosystem.com/edible-spray-paint/
LoL! That’s as bad as when I heard on the news that deer was an expensive “treat” and “fad” in New York (while in NY on a business trip). Yeah, it’s pretty common in my area of the South (Georgia) and not “expensive”. My future hubby’s co-worker is a hunter, so they eat it at work like once a week. =P
Could you imagine the RSVP for that though? Menu choices…. horse, kangaroo or kitteh. LoL! Whats next, organically/grain fed horses? Free range kitteh? Lulz.
“Free range kitteh” Ha!
They’re not called “strays” anymore!
I’m not sure what concerns me most – that ‘global meats’ is (are?) a thing, or tba BACON IS OUT!!! How on earth can Bacon ever be out?? it is eternally delicious…
Well you can have bacon but it has to be, like, horse bacon. And it has to come from Argentina. On the back of a unicorn.
Does Canadian bacon count as global meat? (Presumably not in Canada, but elsewhere.)
Psst – we don’t call it Canadian bacon in Canada. That’s just in the US. 🙂
The irony here is that as soon as a fad is published as “in”, the really trendy people will trip over themselves to dump it. So even as we speak hundreds of socialite/semi-famous girls are screaming “DITCH THE GLOBAL MEATS” to their caterers, berating their wedding planners for even suggesting global meats (which are soooo 2011) and crying themselves to sleep because the menus have already been printed.
Sigh… I need to find another hobby. LOL.
Thanks obb for the wtfery. So far I’ve had a dull day at work but now I get to muse on the disappointment* that I will be eating lamb on my wedding day and not unicorn.
*whilst spending my working day giggling/smerking to myself.
In australia being the odd balls that we are kangaroo is eaten and its also part of our national emblem, I would never have thought to call it a global meat, that is funny. I wonder how much money was spent thinking that one up. In some parts of Australia the number of kangaroos is so high that it is negatively affecting the land and other animals and licences have been issued to do select cullings. I can just see the people that live in those areas laughing very hard that kangaroo is a trendy thing for weddings, they certainly would have alot to spare (with apologies to people who dont eat meat but this is the situation that culling has been needed). I know now that I live in a country with a ‘global meat’, thanks OBB that is hilarious. I have an idea for 2013, Goanna is eaten in some parts of australia too, I can just see it now 2013 trend tribal meats, so that celebrities can claim they are getting closer to traditional ways of living or something silly like that :).
I went to a venison farm in WA a couple of years ago – they sold ‘Coat of Arms chorizo’. Roo and Emu, and it was delicious! Have also had a roo starter with emu main course at a restaurant here in Brissy 😉
Also feel like I need to explain to non-Aussie OBBs that kangaroo is really lean, and really high in iron. It’s fantastic eating, gamey and does really well on the BBQ or as a roast. The idea of buying imported kangaroo steaks in America is a little weird though, maybe if you guys started growing them over there… but still.
for a while my brother was only eating kangaroo meat, as it was the only ethically farmed meat avaliable. its very healthy too.
I spoke too soon, maybe it is partly our fault no goanna though, here is an example
http://www.globalgamemeats.com.au/
Where I live, “global meats” such as kangaroo or antelope or shark (global fish?)are all the rage come Christmas and holidays, every single year since I can remember.
My not-so-secret reason for loving this exchange is that it might (perhaps, hopefully) inspire people to think about why it might seem absurd to eat a horse or an antelope or a kangaroo or a kitten, and yet not absurd at all to chow down on a chicken or a lamb or a cow or a pig. There’s no difference, because they’re all animals.
@KathyRo: so true – people can’t wait to dump the newest trend (especially if it doesn’t easily lend itself to getting stuck in a mason jar [Ariel’s comment = I die]!). As a vegan, with a pretty clear view on the consumption of meats of any kind, I’m hoping that the backlash to eating ‘all the animals’ is eating ‘none of the animals’. New wedding trend? A gal can dream.
@jessie exactly! while i do think it is gross and i agree with the absurdity of CALLING them “global,” there is nothing weirder about eating any of these animals than about eating any others. it’s more harmful environmentally than eating more local animals because of transportation, but the actual eating isn’t any weirder.
Jessie, that’s so totally true. People seem to have a strange compartmentalisation going on where some animals get put in the “eat” category and some in the “not eat”. There are so many similarities between, say, pigs and dogs (intelligence, socialness, cleanliness etc) yet they’re treated so differently in Western cultures. Yet in certain countries dogs are eaten and are treated just as horrendously as the West treats pigs, and people are (rightly) horrified by that yet still eat pigs. Bafflingly illogical. The whole idea of a trend being about serving particular types of meat is disturbing as well as incredibly hilarious – there’s really no need to encourage more animals to be eaten!
Am I the only one having visions of Green Eggs and Ham running through their head? Green Eggs & Global Meat…
I am so down with “global meats!” I live by the Anthony Bourdain rule of “If it’s slower than me and stupider than me” which means I’ve consumed many an unusual animal, or at least unusual for normal American urban dining. I would totally do antelope or kangaroo, goat isn’t really my favorite though, I’ve never met a particularly tasty one. As for horse, I’d definitely do an extra helping if for no other reason than I just generally dislike horses. If I dislike an animal, they’re worth an extra serving! As you can tell, I’m not a member of PETA, but I also don’t believe in wasting useful parts of animals, so I’d have to figure out favors using the hide, fur, bones etc. When I was a kid I had a stuffed Kangaroo made from real Kangaroo fur so maybe mini roos, how cute would those be!
I do Weight Watchers, and last week “Bear, polar, meat, raw” came up in one of my searches (no idea why!). 3.5oz of it was worth 3 points!
LOL that’s fantastic! And I actually know where to buy kangaroo meat.. although I did mention to an engaged coworker.. and she’s decided against the idea. spoilsport. 😛
You should try it! Use some Australian native spices like lemon myrtle, or mountain pepper, or wattleseed. You might be able to find them on Amazon, or check out these guys http://www.atasteofthebush.com.au/
There are heaps of recipes for kangaroo, just search Aussie sites!
“dangling horse meat from a whimsical string of bunting” – I’ve been giggling at the thought of this all morning.
Thanks, OBB. I’ll be returning to this post next time the wedding crazies get the best of me.
Eh. I live in Australia. It’s unusual to find a fancy restaurant that DOESN’T serve kangaroo. Because those little hoppers are delicious. And if you live in Canada, well…they’ll eat basically anything on four legs. And goat is basically lamb but a little more gamey.
Hilarious trend, though.
I live in Colorado, and a bunch of my guests will be coming from elsewhere, so I’ve been thinking about putting some “Colorado Game” on my menu to give them a “real” taste of Colorado! Would it be too much to do some Buffalo or Venison? Guaranteed that most of my guests have never had either of these options. Is this too far out there?
You’re asking on Offbeat Bride if something is “too far out there”?!
Answer: no. Local meats seem like a great way to introduce out-of-town guests to some regional cuisine.
And I want to be clear about something: what’s funny here is that “global meats” is a funny phrase, and is a hilarious thing to point at as a trend. We’re not making fun of serving any sort of meat at your wedding — we’re laughing at it being included in a trend report.
Buffalo and venison are delicious, and anyone visiting you from elsewhere that has not tried it would be lucky for the experience! Seriously, if people eat beef as steak and hamburgers, the meats you mentioned are not much different. The fact that venison is usually wild and buffalo free range, makes them both that much tastier and healthier to eat than our typical store bought meats today.
Oooh, maybe you could play off Ariel’s comment of “regional cuisine” by giving out locally made venison or buffalo jerky as favors? Yum!!
Buffalos kind of look like cows, so I don’t think it would freak people out (apart from those annoying “i-don’t-like-it-because-i-don’t-know-it” people). Plus I heard buffalo is very lean.
Oh thank goodness, this makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER about my plan to serve Goatmeal* at our brunch reception! I’m relieved to be right on-trend.
*Goats, ground to a mealy texture, simmered with cinnamon, brown sugar, and a touch of milk.
Oh, goodness. That sounds amazing! Especially if you had something slightly fruity with it like a chutney. Could I get the recipe?
I recently spent a semester in Australia and I ate so. much. kangaroo! I seriously loved the stuff, since it’s really healthy and tasty too it’s win-win… I brought some kangaroo jerky home but it isn’t nearly the same. So I could definitely see a wedding as an opportunity to have it again for myself and to share it with friends in the States who hadn’t ever had it.
I love animals, so I don’t hurt them.