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My future mother-in-law wants me to do something at our wedding to honor the people who recently died in our family, one of them being her husband. And then she went on to mention that she would like us to honor her mother (who died over 20 years ago). AND THEN she said that I should also mention my two grandmothers, my uncle, and my cousin who all passed away. Um, is it me, or would that make for an INCREDIBLY depressing moment at a wedding?
-Sara
Here's an easy solution that makes everyone happy: get some wedding photo charms to hang from your bouquet.
You can put photos of all the deceased into the charms, and have them quietly but respectfully dangling from your bouquet for your entire wedding day. That way there's no need to harsh your guests' mellow by making a memorial announcement at the reception. Just make sure your photographer gets some shots of the bouquet. Then, you could even get a print of that photo framed special for your mother-in-law.
These little charms are super inexpensive — you can get them for about $5.
You can find more memorial ideas in our massive wedding memorial archive!
what a GREAT solution. kudos!
Awww! What a sweet idea!
*sniff*
I didn’t know what to do or how to get them into my wedding…..you just morbidly, but happily, made my day!
My grandfather passed away a little over a year ago and I have been missing him immensely throughout the planning of my wedding. I was just having this conversation with my fiance and mother this evening about it being “creepy” having our lost loved ones pictures somewhere at our wedding. This is a wonderful remedy to my dilemma. Thank you!!
I was faced with the same dilemma, except my MIL wanted to put a bouquet on an empty chair (oh the horrors) for my FI’s grandmother, which my mom was strongly against. This is a GREAT solution. The people that want to be happy are happy, and nobody needs to be the wiser.
That is a GREAT idea! My fiancé’s sister died a year ago. But my mom died 15 years ago. And I wanted to acknowledge both, but didn’t know how. Thank you.
this is a beautiful idea.
FH and i are going to put three small black a white photos of my mom, my dad and FH’s father to honor them. hopefully it will be enough that guests notice but descreet enough to not send them into mourning mode.
I love this idea!
my father passed away a few years back and by the time the wedding comes around it will be almost 5 years to the day.
this is an excellent way to honour him! thanks so much.
i might also have a “in loving memory” vase full of roses (my dad’s fav flower).
I love this idea. I have 3 people to honor – My grandmother on my mom’s side, and my grandparents on my dad’s side. They all did charity work, so in honor of that I’ll be displaying pictures and a description of them, and inviting people to donate gloves and canned goods (our wedding is right before Thanksgiving.)
That’s a great idea! You could also have a small table at the reception that has family pictures including them on it.
My FH’s younger daughter and mothere (who has alzheimer’s) can’t be at our wedding. So we are having pictures of them on our altar. It’s a little different, but pictures are powerful.
The other thing you could do is make a general mention maybe at the reception with a nice slow dance of “all those who have passed on.”
We had a small table set up in our garden with pictures and little mementos of 3 grandparents and my husband’s dad (all have passed away). We could both see the table when we walked down the aisle- it felt like a sweet way to include them on that day.
That’s a really beautiful and subtle idea. Etsy to the rescue again!
For our wedding a couple of years ago, I wanted to acknowledge my parents (neither of whom are around any more) but without casting a shadow over the day. Our solution was to design our own invitations to include the wedding photos of both sets of parents:
http://www.shedside.com/tmp/wedding-invite.jpg
The trouble was, we had many guests ask us who the random people on our invites were!
At least two of my cousins did the small memorial table display at their weddings, too. They used wedding pictures of the deceased grandparents and laid a single rose in front of a sign that said “in loving memory of *insert names here*”. It was really quite sweet and touching. I want as many wedding photos of family members (living or dead) I can get my hands on as part of a display at my own wedding. I think it’s a wonderful idea to remember special people who have passed on.
Love that someone else sees it the same way I do!! We are planning, as part of our decor, to include a photo wall with as many wedding photos as possible from family and friends–as well as pictures of my Sweetheart’s Brothers who have passed. Like life, the sweet and the bitter together. We are hoping people just feel the love for those displayed!!
Hi. We are just saying a quick prayer for departed loved ones at the begining of our service. Then during our ceremony I am dedicating a fun song to one of my best friends who passed away in December. It might bring people down a little to think about death, but it is very important that my friend is included in our wedding.
My mother just passed away in Feb (on my dads birthday nonetheless) and then just recently my FH’s grandfather passed away. We were going to leave an open chair in the front row and as I passed I was going to place one of their favorite flower on the chair.
While I like my idea, this seems like alot more simple, I love it!
I am getting married in a month…and I have been going back and forth about how to honor my Dad, who passed 2 years ago. Missing him has been a huge part of the wedding planning…with many tears involved. I am leaving a chair for him, next to my mom, “reserved for big Z”… I feel like bringing attention to someone that has passed isn’t morbid, it’s the celebration of how important that life was.
I dunno. Little portraits of dead people on the bouquet kind of give me the creeps. I prefer the family pictures at the reception.
Bearing in mind the number of people you are supposed to be remembering the bouquet might sound like maracas.
And if you do go for this option, I guess it means you don’t toss the flowers (unless you want to get rid of granny’s photo)
usually you have a second bouqet for the toss. I didn’t know that until my florist asked if I wanted one for $15.
My husband and I wanted to honor his father and my brother, who had both passed prior to our marriage. We got married on a cliff by the ocean, and we had our officiant announce a moment of silence for those loved ones who had passed. My husband and I both cut strings holding white balloons, and the balloons drifted out over the ocean. It was poingant, and meaningful, and then we resumed with the vows. (In retrospect, horrible for the environment, I know, but better than releasing Monarch butterflies in their non-native habitat, which was mom’s idea).
The photos are adorable, but could get unwieldy with the number of people MIL wants her to honor.
How about, during the ceremony, just saying a classy and short, “And let’s remember those who are no longer with us and who we wish were here?” Or something along those lines. That way, everyone’s covered.
what about a simple toast to absent friends? someone did that out of the blue during dinner at our wedding, and i loved it – it paid tribute both to my granddad (who died two months before the wedding – we also went to a pub right after the ceremony for him) and to people who couldn’t make it for non-mortality-related reasons.
I find the whole group wedding memorial thing a little strange, myself. But I did want a way to acknowledge my mom, though, without forcing everyone else to do the same. I’m planning on wearing a locket on a bracelet with a picture of us in it.
*sniff, sniff*
This makes me so happy. I always wanted my grandfather (who raised me + who has long passed) to walk me down the aisle. I love etsy!
I am doing the photo thing, but we are also taking a moment in the ceremony to acknowledge absent friends.
We’ve tried to word it so it isn’t gruesome, and we hope it will just make people smile. If anyone wants to steal, please feel free.
You may be wondering why we are gathered here
On this beach in Massachusetts.
It isn’t just to inconvenience everyone.
Dawn and her family used to vacation on the Cape frequently.
This beach was one of her mother’s favourite places in the world.
In 1996, when she died, Dawn and XXX
Brought her ashes here and scattered them on the beach.
Dawn and Paul hoped that in marrying here
Her spirit could celebrate with us.
There are of course others who cannot be with us today.
Either because they could not travel the distance to join us
like Dawn’s grandmother’s, X and Y
or because they have passed on.
These include Paul’s grandparents,
Simone and Kenneth Williams,
And X and Yo,
and Dawn’s grandfather’s,
X andY.
We know that they would have been delighted to be here,
And wherever their spirits are today
Whatever they have become
Some small spark of creation glows a bit brighter
because we are gathered together to celebrate
continuation, family and friendship.
Really good, subtle idea.
On another note, the original question reminds me of the Friends episode where Monica tried to get her parents to cry by mentioning their long-dead dog and Nana.
That is such a good idea. I’m already having charms coming off the bottom of my bouquet, but I wanted something non-depressing to honour my FH mother who passed some time ago but is still a rather raw nerve (obviously). This is so sweet.
This is a great idea, Ariel!
We had a jewish ceremony. After the first glass of wine (which is one of the first things) the cantor said something to the effect of “There are some people who could not be with us today, because they were unable to make the trip, or because their time in this life had passed. At this time Lara and Sam would like to welcome [names of people] to join them under the chuppah uniting them with the ones they love…” or somehting to that effect.
It was a really non-creepy way of honoring people.
Sara,
Reading what you asked, what you wrote, Are you asking for “permision” to not have to have any mention or memorial of relatives that have passed on? Of course that is okay. Everyone has posted lovely and creative ways of remebering and honoring people but if you choose you can just hold whoever you like in your heart and not have an external symbol. This is a new tradition, a generation ago we didn’t even think about this – even the offbeat brides of back then. Don’t worry about what MIL thinks on this one.
Cate
I love this idea so much. I may have to incorporate this into my bouquet.
My grandmother passed away last year right before I started planning the wedding. She was a big part of my life and I wanted something in my wedding to memorialize her, but I didn’t want to have something that would bring the whole celebration down. As long as I can remember, my grandmother had these huge blue hydrangea bushes in front of her house. I decided to include blue hydrangea in my bouquet just to have something that reminded me of Maw-Maw on my wedding day.
I am a wedding photographer, and one couple (who was off-beat! Love it!) had photographs in frames, in the seats the person would occupy. So a picture of Grandpa was next to Grandma. Cousin, next to Aunt, and so forth. Very tasteful, all could see it, and it wasn’t sorrowful.
Hi Ariel,
I was wondering if you could do a blog post one day about different kinds of ways to set up the ceremony…
for example i love this idea of sitting in circle ~
http://paigeelizabeth.tv/blog/?p=271
or perhaps you could have a celebrant do an opinion peice on the different kinds of ceremonies available for offbeat brides such as handfastings etc…
bright blessings
My dad passed away in February, and I’m getting married in 3 weeks. Honestly, while this idea (or a moment of silence or an empty chair or a table of photos) might work for some, it would make me cry like a baby.
Instead, I am going to play some fun 50’s song during the reception and ask everyone to dance their silliest dances in honor of my dad (who loved to dance, but was kind of wacky about it). I still think it will make me cry a bit, but it seems uplifting instead of somber.
Goddess Leonie:
Been there, done that, already wrote a “wedding in the round” post: http://offbeatwed.com/2007/04/wedding-circle-seating
🙂
I saw that in a magazine awhile ago. They had them dangling from ribbon off the bouquet, so they hung lower then the stems, and it looked awesome. So awesome in fact, that that is what I’m doing to comemorate my mother and grand-father who died, and can’t be there. But I’m not making a big sad to do about it, because I’ve mourned for them, and I don’t want to mourn on my wedding day.
[…] you’re looking for a way to honor the deceased at your wedding, The Offbeat Bride has a wonderful idea for commemorating the people in your life who have passed away. Make photo […]
when my cousin got married a couple of years ago, she had a rose laid on the altar for her twin sister who had passed away a few weeks after they were born. In the program they had a short note that explained what the rose was for. I thought it was a sweet and subtle tribute.
We had about 3 people in our family die who we were all superclose to. At my cousin’s wedding, we dedicated a sweet song to them at the reception. It was really joyous and fun and it didn’t “harsh anybody’s mellow”.
I love this idea! I
[…] Offbeat Bride had a great idea for an undepressing wedding memorial: wedding photo charms hung on the bride’s bouquet! Each charm can have a picture of a […]
What we did (just a few days ago!) was set up a special little table that served as an altar to our dead relatives. We had a few photos and a few objects that were special to our grandparents. Our guests could look through what was set up any time they wanted; we got some questions about it but I think everyone appreciated it.
[…] VÃa| offbeatbride […]
We’re planning to have my uncle (my mother’s brother) come up and give my fiance a flower.
The officiant will say, “On this day, we honor the memory of Amy’s beloved mother by adding a specially chosen flower to Amy’s bouquet.”
Then my fiance will slide the flower into my bouquet.
That is SO great! I am so stealing this for my wedding to be my dad a part of it.
We combined a memorial time, flowers and young people at the wedding. (I did not want a flower girl – a year of planning and the ceremony is left to the whims of a three year old?? – but we did want to include the 20+ kids at the ceremony.)
We listed those who could not attend in the program – both the recently deceased and unable to travel. The musicians played ‘I’ll Remember You’, my (deceased) grandparents’ favorite song.
Everyone under 18 years was invited to take a rose from a basket at the back of the room, walk down the aisle and place the rose on the front edge of the ceremony stage. We were surrounded by the beautiful flowers for the rest of the ceremony. Everyone was touched, but the kids and flowers were uplifting.
At my best-friend’s wedding (the church and then the reception) last fall there was a small table with photographs of her grandmother, the groom’s father, and an uncle, all recently passed. No one called attention to it, but if you got close there was a candle that said something to the effect of “lost but not forgotten” or something like that. It was tasteful and meant something to those who needed it and wasn’t obtrusive to others.
I am getting married in November and want to light a memorial candle while a song played. I don’t want it to be a real sad song but have no ideas yet. I would love to hear what you think. Any suggestions are welcomed.
When my best friend got married, she placed one red rose in her bouquet of white roses in rememberance of her twin sister who had passed away.
One of my friends who got married this summer had lost her mother about 5 years ago to cancer. Because her mom and her were so close, she had her sister light a candle to represent her presence in the beginning of the ceremony. They didn’t say anything, but it was printed in the program what the candle symbolized. More traditional than many of us offbeat brides, but it is nice if you’re only recognizing one person.
wow, so many ideas and feelings. My father and FH’s mother are both deceased so I will be wearing some of his mothers jewelry and he will wear my fathers roseary and hankercheif in his tux pocket. No one will know but us and the family, but we like it that way.
My mom passed on when I was seven, and I have always wanted a way to honor her at my wedding. A friend of mine had a slideshow play in her wedding, of her and her fiance. Instead of the fiance and her…try pictures of the mother, and a song playing like “Wind Beneath My Wings” or etc. I love the pictures on the bouquet. 🙂
Lots of ideas in this thread.
One thing that we did is we honored our relatives who could not be there with us in a slideshow we did. We ended up using http://www.dvdphotographs.com for our wedding slideshow and had a section at beginning of the presentation that showed a few pictures of our grandparents. Just a thought if you’re doing one.
Great idea! For our wedding, we are doing a collage of photos of us instead of a guest book, so people can just sign and leave cute messages with sharpie pens … and we decided to also do one for his nephew and my grandmother who passed away in the last year, so people can do the same thing, but it won’t overshadow the wedding-happy. I agree, giving a shout-out to every dead person in your family might be a buzzkill.
I’ve lost both my parents in recent years, and my fiance lost his father this summer. In addition to that…I’ve lost all four grandparents (two recently), and several aunts and uncles (one last week).
The wedding could turn into a super bummer! If we started lighting memorial candles, we wouldn’t have time for the marraige ceremony! Instead, we are putting windchimes in the trees of our reception site…one for each person we’re remembering. We’re not mentioning it in a program or anything, but if someone asks: “hey, what’s up with the windchimes?” I’ll be happy to explain.
I look forward to hearing them on our wedding day, and knowing we are surrounded by loved ones.
I love that idea and may have to us it myself to honor my grandparents and cousin. We are also going to put a representative item in the seat that would have been theirs (my Meme gets a tigerlily, Grandpa gets a stalk of wheat because he was a farmer).
[…] did run across a post on OffBeatBride that mentioned using picture frame charms tied to the bouquet. I really liked this idea. It […]
[…] like this idea – http://offbeatwed.com/2008/06/wedding-memorialReferences […]
[…] did run across a post on OffBeatBride that mentioned using picture frame charms tied to the bride’s bouquet. I really liked this […]
This is awesome, I always thought it was a little uncomfortable talking about death at a wedding, But I absolutely love this idea I am going to take photos and frame it for the wives and mothers of the dearly departed. Thanks soooo much!
I’m going to release butterflies at the end of the ceremony as a memorial to my sister who was supposed to be my maid-of-honor.
I think this is a great idea, i wanted to find a way to incorporate putting a memorial of my father without making everyone get upset. My father passed away this past fathers day and my wedding will be 2 weeks before the year marker of when he passed. Its still sore but i wanted to feel like he is there like he should be.
I know this is an old post but I wanted to add how I saw this done.
The bride and groom had a lot of people they wanted to honor so the set up a small table and found two pewter trees with 8 picture frames hanging on each at a craft store on clearance for 5 bucks each.
they filled each with a photo of people they wish could have been there and put a poem near the trees. Guests got to check it out as they wanted and it eliminated the everyone’s dead moment of their happy day.
I used this idea at my wedding & everyone loved it. My mom didnt know I was doing anything to remember my dad & other family members, she really loved it..
I used this idea at my wedding & everyone loved it. My mom didnt know I was doing anything to remember my dad & other family members, she really loved it..
Fantastic idea…wish I had seen this when I got married 6 months ago. I pinned a cameo charm that was my grandmother's and my husband's father's wedding band on my bouquet in memory of them. We got married…alone…in Key West. Our family knew we had these mementos with us so it was very special for everyone.
I'm going to make one of these for my future-sister-in law…one of her sister who passed three years ago.
I have been thinking about this topic for a long time. I absolutly love the idea!! I did not want it to be morbid or anything and in all honesty it really is for me and her. I just want to feel like they are with us on that day. A small picture in my Sporran or hanging from my belt will be perfect. I'm wearing a kilt so a small silver frame hanging will not look out of place at all.
My FH and I are remembering his mom and grandmother and my great-grandmother. I’m putting bouquet charms on my bouquet and then we are having 3 candles with their names on them just in the church lit for them. they aren’t going to be right in front of everyone but still there. we’re lighting them before the ceremony and then our coordinator is going to bring them into the reception and place them on a side table.
our photographers worte a great blog on wedding details that has some cool ideas of remembering those that have passed.
http://spokane-weddings.com/
Britton-Photography
My partner and I both have lost some family members in the past few years. During the ceremony, our officiant made a moment of remembrance for those who couldn’t be there that day but who played an important part in our lives. This left the door open for people to think about not only those who have passed, but those who simply couldn’t make it to the wedding. It was inclusive, beautiful, and not at all depressing because we were focusing on how wonderfully those people influenced us. We didn’t know our officiant was going to include this but we’re so glad he did.
We also did one of our readings from a book of my grandmother’s that I loved reading at her house as a child. We explained the significance those in the wedding but didn’t note it in the program or anything.
Had it been the right time of year, we would have harvested wildflowers or branches that my partner’s stepdad planted in his grandparents’ yard. Both his stepdad and grandpa have passed away.
Overall, I don’t think you need to make a big deal about having a sad remembrance. Everyone will be thinking of those who are not present whether or not you name names. Focus on celebrating that these absent people made you who you are today.
We’re doing something similar at our wedding. we’re having either attendants or family members carry a flower for each person that has passed (3 sets of grandparents and my aunt = 7 flowers). These flowers are being placed in a vase at the alter. My living grandparents will also place flowers in the vase. Then my parents and in-laws will each carry a flower of a different color and place in the vase. A bouquet of 13 flowers. Following the ceremony my bouqet will go in the center of the vase and be the main centerpiece at the bridal table. The names of the passed will be mentioned in our programs, as well. It’s a great way to honor them without it being too sad, depressing, and awkward for guests.
thank you– this is a perfect solution for a similar conundrum for us. My partner’s biological father died before he was born, and we’ve both lost several grandparents in the past few years. This is exactly what we need!
This idea to lovely and sweet. Both my grandfathers have passed and every now and then it creeps up on me that they are gone and won’t be there that day. This is an elegant, subtle, but very intentional way to remember them on that day. As always, thank you.
That is beautiful.
I know this is an old post, but I read through all of the comments so someone else might too, right?
My fiance and I were lucky to have a small chapel with a solid brick wall on one side and we’re displaying photos of all of the married couples in our immediate family lines and close cousins. We saw it as a way to honor everyone without having a mini funeral.
My dad passed away when I was 19. I always knew I would walk myself down the aisle (I don’t want anyone else in his place). He may get a mention in the ceremony but I’m also having a secret nod to him in our favors; I’m a foodie and we’re having rosemary infused salt in cute little jars. The label will say “Rosemary for Remembrance” which people will assume is meant for remembrance of the wedding day, but I will know that it is in remembrance of him.
We lost my sister and my MIL shortly after our engagement. I found a locket at a street fair that I placed my sister’s picture in for my bouquet. We also did a chair with photos for both ladies with a bouquet of flowers.