Neurodivergent nuptials: of tics, toes, and weighted blanket bouquets

If you’re getting married and neurodivergent like me, it can come with an array of additional checklists that you didn’t even know existed. My husband James and I, had our wedding in Salem during the dark wedding expo at the Satanic Chapel last year.

While the ceremony went well, and I don’t think anybody noticed the level of anxiety I was feeling, it was quite the experience. Me being me, I had to carefully orchestrate certain details that might seem trivial to most neurotypical people.

It all started with my feet, yes my feet.

I had noticed in some of the professional photos we had done at Hammond Castle earlier in the year exposed my toe fidget tick. In two of our photos, you could see my big toe lifted up over my second toe. I was embarrassed, but thankfully I have a playful spirit and laughed it off. It did, however, make me more conscious when it came to preparing for our wedding.

I made sure to have a dress that was long enough to cover my feet even though I was wearing wildly cool shoes. There was one picture of my feet at the wedding just to show off my shoes but I was very conscious about pushing my toes down in the shoes so that my tick didn’t show for that picture.

I have ADHD and experience several tics, not just with my toes. I also tap my fingers in odd ways, especially if I’m trying to focus on something, and I have a tick with my eyes where I often scrunch them up oddly causing severe raccoon eyes if I’m wearing eyeliner or mascara.

So when we were planning our ceremony I made certain choices to help prevent attention being drawn to my very obvious tics. The length of my dress for my toes is one example, but then for my hands, I made sure to pay our florist (Floral Baby Design) extra to get a very heavy stone in Salem so that it acted as a sort of weighted blanket for my hands to prevent my finger tapping and help me feel more grounded.

Doing something about my eyes was more challenging. I used gobs of finishing spray and waterproof makeup, and our friends who were there with us helped make sure that I still looked good and who could point out if I started scrunching.

It went beyond the tics though…

When we were making our scrolls with our vows I had to make sure the paper felt right in my hands. Most neurodivergent people like me also struggle with sensory issues. If our paper was too rough, it would send a shiver down my spine so we had to pick something that would be more soft or smooth.

If I feel something where I don’t like the texture, it will literally send a shockwave up my spine and make it look almost like I’m having a strange spasm. Definitely not something I wanted to show during our wedding ceremony. It was bad enough that I already had a couple pictures in open toe shoes that look fabulous unless you look down to my feet.

I didn’t want that for our wedding so I made certain choices to help and thankfully I was successful because our wedding photos turned out incredible.

There was something else as well…

When I was writing my vows I changed them completely because I wanted to make sure my words were very clear and made sense, so instead of it being poetic as I initially intended, it read more like a loving contract.

I was overthinking it, like a lot.

Down the road when we renew our vows, I intend to write better ones and hopefully not overthink them this time. It’s funny because I didn’t really think much about any of it until I saw a story from offbeat wed talking about how neurodivergency can affect weddings.

Then it was like a lightbulb went off, and I was like oh my gosh, mine was all the way controlled by how my mind and body work due to my neurodivergence!

I don’t see it as a handicap though, I feel like it just makes me more interesting, and I’ve learned how to adapt even making light of embarrassing moments.

I hope my story helps others in the future who may have anxiety around planning a wedding with their neurodivergence. I’m here to tell them it’s okay. You just have to find ways to adapt your ceremony to fit your flavor of neurospicy needs.