Gather round, humans! 2023 is officially the year of the deranged chatbot, so the obvious question at the forefront of everyone's mind is “How can I get that deranged chatbot to do my work for me?” We're talking of course about Artificial Intelligence, the latest in a string of technological breakthroughs designed to help us dodge work and watch porn.
Full disclosure: I'm part of Gen X – those divorced, middle-aged slackers who accidently invented grunge and cyberpunk, now blowing all our coin on mortgages and nostalgia porn – so while 80s movies taught me that robots would inevitably exterminate the human species I am THRILLED by the seemingly endless ways I can use them to do my job for me until then. Let's review!
Write your iVows
I am not currently about to get married to my dark, immortal beloved, but let's imagine that I am, and that I want to expend as little energy as humanly possible to write my sacred vows.
COMPUTER! Write wedding vows for a transgender, non-binary unicorn who's getting married to their partner of 1000 years using they/them pronouns:
Today, as we stand here together, surrounded by the beauty of this world, I vow to you my eternal love and devotion. For the past one thousand years, we have stood by each other through the highs and lows, and I am honored to pledge myself to you in marriage.
Excellent opening! I already want what they have.
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As a transgender, non-binary unicorn, I know that our love is not always understood by society. But in your eyes, I am seen and loved for who I truly am, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I promise to always honor and respect the unique being that you are, and to cherish and support you in all of your dreams and aspirations.
Ok, I do genuinely feel seen.
I vow to be a true partner to you, in every sense of the word. Together, we will navigate the twists and turns of life with grace and joy. I will hold your hand through every challenge and celebrate every triumph with you. Through laughter and tears, through storms and sunshine, I promise to stand by your side with unwavering love and devotion.
I am not going to allow a babbling online algorithm make me cry.
As we embark on this new chapter of our lives together, I promise to be your sanctuary, your shelter, and your home. I will love you in all the ways that I know how, and in all the ways that I have yet to discover. I vow to love and cherish you with every breath I take, for all eternity.
My love, you are my soulmate, my partner, and my dearest friend. Today, and always, I choose you.
WOW. 5 out of 5 unicorn horns, Computer. Still, I think that human-generated inspirations will ultimately serve you better, and are less likely to turn us all into living batteries, trapped forever at a desk job in 1999.
Design your web-a-dress
Can AI design the perfect transgender, non-binary unicorn wedding dress using the web-scraped work of many thousands of talented, hard-working artists, but without paying any of them a dime? Maybe! StealBot, please create a sewing pattern for the perfect transgender, non-binary unicorn wedding dress:
1 horn. Stick with the pros.
Plan your Bach In The Future
So I also need to plan a traditional, down-to-earth bach party. Hey robot, please plan a bach party in Seattle for a transgender, non-binary unicorn involving cosplay, karaoke, fruity cocktails, a furry strip club, and vegan cupcakes!
Cosplay Shopping: Start the day with some shopping for cosplay outfits in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. Places like Rove Vintage and Red Light Vintage offer plenty of fun and funky options that will help everyone get into the party spirit.
So this is a good time to mention that this particular AI is intentionally stuck in the year 2021, to prevent it from being useful. Rove closed for biz 2 years ago and Red Light Vintage is not on the Hill BUT the encouragement to shop local is appreciated.
Karaoke Night: Head to Rock Box in Capitol Hill, a karaoke bar where you can rent private rooms with your group. Enjoy some fruity cocktails like the “Unicorn Dream” or “Rainbow Martini” while singing your hearts out.
Rock Box is, in fact, a place where I've drunkenly sung my heart out countless times while two-fisting fruity nonsense, but I am sad to say that these particular drinks are a myth.
Dinner: For dinner, head to Plum Bistro in Capitol Hill, a vegan restaurant that serves up some amazing plant-based dishes. Don't miss out on their vegan cupcakes, which are a must-try.
Plum is a delicious vegan oasis that has never had cupcakes.
Furry Strip Club: For some adult-themed fun, head to Deja Vu Showgirls, a strip club in Lake City. It has a “furry” night where dancers dress up in animal costumes, which can add a fun element to the party.
Sadly this isn't actually a thing in Seattle – however I CAN confirm that a club with the same name in Kalamazoo, Michigan had a “FURRIES GET IN FREE!” night on Easter of last year, so there's that.
Late-Night Snacks: End the night with some late-night snacks at Wayward Vegan Cafe in the University District. Their vegan “chicken” and waffles and “mac and cheese” are highly recommended.
The recommendation for Wayward is spot on – I've devoured many a carb there – but they're in Ravenna now. Overall, AI seems like that one friend who confidently makes up bullshit to sound savvy, so for more solid advice, go with the experts. 2 out of 5 horns.
Upgrade your face through a scanner sparkly
Now if you're anything like me, you take anywhere from 3 to 3000 hot selfies a week to share with your 27 devoted followers on the InstaTokSnapBooks. But come on girl, you're about to get hitched – up your thirst trap game with a little MAGIC (science) before you announce that you're marrying that dev who sold you molly at Bumbershoot.
I'm talking of course about AI-Generated Vanity Avatar apps, designed to make you and yours look more human than human!
First, upload a few of your finest selfies into the app. Choose wisely, god knows what illicit identify-theft farm they'll end up on once you hit enter:
Next, kick back as the robots patiently knock 30 years off of your pale, weather-beaten skin with only a minimum of body horror, compliments of an AI engine that's likely burning through enough electricity to power a small nation:
Finally, pick your faves, add some bling, hit post and BOOM – you and your partner now have a special STD to share with everyone! Ah, love:
5 horns, because pretend me looks FABULOUS.
Plan your Big Zero Day
Time to plan the main event! Let's see what the friendly bullshit generator can do for us. HAL, plan a wedding for a non-denominational, transgender, non-binary unicorn couple in Seattle:
Attire: Since the couple is non-binary and unicorn, traditional wedding attire may not be suitable for them. It would be best to have a conversation with the couple about their attire preferences and work with a tailor or designer to create something that reflects their unique style.
Our bread and butter!
Decorations: The couple may want to incorporate rainbows, glitter, and other unicorn-themed decorations into their wedding. It would be best to work with a wedding decorator who has experience working with LGBTQ+ couples and is comfortable with non-traditional themes.
So far so good 👍
Entertainment: Since the couple is non-binary and unicorn, it would be best to choose entertainment that reflects their unique identity. They may want to consider hiring a drag queen or king, or a unicorn character to entertain their guests.
I'm all in for the drag but there is no way in hell I'm letting another unicorn upstage me on my special day. 3 horns.
A lot of modern AI is just a search engine designed to look and sound like a human – and like actual humans, they're often weird and wrong… but on the other hand, they're quick, easy, and will never demand a living wage.
Should you use them to plan one of the most important events of your life? Nah. But take heart, young lovers: we know all sorts of amazing humans who want to help make yours the Best Day Ever, and they're just a click and a smile away!
This article was not written by an AI, nor is this an AI saying that it didn't write this article.
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